So, What's Next?

Yesterday, in addition to musing over my "clinging" nature, I mentioned how much I want to do and contribute yet in my life. Hmmm, sounds list a wish list is in order, so here's what I want to accomplish:

1. See both my daughters grow up and be happy
2. Love passionately again
3. Sky dive
4. Establish a foundation to help ex-husbands
5. Hunt deer
6. Live in Ireland, perhaps for a long time
7. Vacation with my sister and her kids in Cancun
8. Drive fast -- maybe a stock car
9. Perform again, with a symphony again
10. Get paid for doing what I love, without compromise
11. Teach

This is a partial list, and I hope to refine it over time.

Do I Outlive My Welcome?

Just pondering. You know, at my last three jobs I felt I had much more to contribute, when in fact my bosses were pointing to the door: but I only belatedly took the hint each time.

I held on to a broken marriage until the toxic fog was so thick I almost couldn't escape.

Each time I've clung to relationships/situations, the most painful part was the embarassment of finding out just how desperate I appeared. And how much better it would have been had I just gotten out.

I'm just wondering if this habit of holding on too long pervades me.

Look at my life: I have had two beautiful children, professional accomplishments most never enjoy, profound artistic experiences, great love from many, and so much much more. I've lived the shit out of life, in short.

Lately I've been experiencing things that give me that "outlived my welcome" feeling in life. Bad credit, mounting debt, unemployment, and others. What sign, if any, is this?

I am 42 years old and relatively healthy and upbeat. I have many future ambitions. I have so much more to contribute. So why do I feel the draft of an open door... again? But this is a door unlike the others I've used. An irreversible, ultimately consequential decision faces me.

I think I'll chalk this feeling up to over compensation. It's nice to have spelled this all out.

Thanks for Stopping By

Here's something you rarely see in a blog today: A gratuitous, generalized plea for readership thinly disguised as a 'thank you'.

Thanks for stopping by. Please take a moment to read the posts labeled ** Must Read **. Also, if you like this blog, please link to me. I promise I'll do the same for you!

I'm not trying to make money on this blog, or promote any specific cause besides thinking, humor, and perspective.

Remember: Powers for good, never for evil.

Remembering Murph on Veteran's Day

Well, it's Veteran's Day. My Dad is on the far top right in Korea. He didn't want me to post this picture, so of course it took me forever (hmmm, wonder where I got my stubborn streak?). Actually, Dad never talked about his service, a reluctance I hear is shared by so many Veterans. That's too bad, because I would have liked to hear more. Suffice it to say I'm proud of you, Dad, no matter how you remember that time of your life.

We owe our freedom, even to dissent, to people like Murphy, my Dad. We're not a perfect country, but I believe that we're the closest thing God's given the world. I feel lucky to live here. Perhaps if you don't, you shouldn't, hmm?

So, my heartfelt thank you to all those who read this and have served. And especially to those who have served and cannot read this. Rest now, knowing you made a worthy sacrifice and you are loved and missed.

Apoplectic Over Apathy

See my last post. Literally on election day, Charter Communication decided to change its channel layout. I went to turn on Fox News for erection coverage, and got static. I called Charter and someone in India suggested I "scan all channels" to find it.

I found it. On the Cartoon Network.

Okay, I'll admit that Charter exhibited perfect humor in its channel realignment, since all politics have devolved to ADHD-addled, sound byte-driven cartoons. However, I remain apoplectic over the fact that it happened.

I tried convincing all three local TV news stations of the significance of this, and I was met with: Channel 7 - Fat; Channel 9 - Dumb; and Channel 11 - Stupid.

I even walked down the street to my favorite radio station, AM 1150 WSAU. The doors were open and I walked up to the studio. I talked to a fat man who promptly escorted me out the way I came.

I walked to my local pub and, to my surprise, the four patrons at least understood my rage. I played a couple of games of pool and downed a Clausthaller (Teken living on the edge), and left.

Well, given my local response to this obvious irregularity, we have gotten what we deserve in Washington. I am just sad that my Dad fought in Korea, and so many have died pursuing human liberty, just to end up with a pathetic, lazy, ignorant populace. I pray for us.

Fox Hiding

Above you see channel 69, which is supposed to be Cartoon Network. Right now it is running Fox News.

Here's a picture of channel 77, which is listed as Fox News Channel:


At this time, Fox news, which is usually channel 77, has been moved to channel 69, which is supposed to be cartoon network. This is very suspicious given that today is voting day. I've never had anything like this happen before.

X-treme Behavior

Pic of me, shocked that X is up to her old tricks (by shocked, I mean not at all shocked).

Latest update on X's dysfunctional behavior: This is my weekend with the girls, and X has managed to convince 97 that she doesn't want to stay over with me tonight (but tomorrow night is fine, somehow). X said: "Do you realize that all of 97's friends think you're ill? It's the way you LOOK". She is, of course, referring to my choice to shave my head. I have been told by many others who know me that I've never looked more healthy. I honestly think X is manipulating the kids, trying to alienate them from me. If anyone has any advise on how to handle this, that would be great. Right now I'm just planning to gently ascertain whether 97 really said these things.

Even though we're divorced, X continues to find ways to abuse.

Oh, she also left me two voicemails yesterday, which I returned this morning. She flew off the handle because it took me 12 hours to respond. She says she's concerned that "what would happen if the kids were in the hospital and you didn't answer?!" That would never happen. I always listen to my messages, I just don't respond to them all immediately. Is that bad? Didn't think so.

WARNING: Dad Gushes Over Children

One of my favorite pictures, which I took with my Samsung phone this fall.

It's 29F degrees outside right now. On November 2! It's gonna be a long winter.

I'm picking up 94 and her friend from school today. I am so proud of 94! She is a free spirit, yet she is really applying herself at school ('A' grades, mostly). She is developing a wisdom about human nature and relationships that I wish I had at twice her age. She sees beyond the B.S., yet is kind and forgiving. She is polite but persistant. She knows what she wants, knows it's up to her to get it, and very effectively goes about getting it without hurting others.

Of course, my pride for 97 continues to be high, too. She is a wonderful, warm, loving person. She performs exceedingly well in school, and REALLY learns. I'm proud that she has been elected a Peer Mediator at her school, and shows leadership skills even at her tender age. Her moral compass is spot-on, and you can tell when she sees situations that seem less than moral.

If one of the goals of parenting is to help equip your children for their adult lives, to give them the skills you didn't have when you were growing-up, I feel I've at least made a good start. I love them so!

My New Digs

Picture of a beautiful sculpture I bought.

Why do people begin posts by saying "I should really tell you..."? Seems like a misplaced sense of obligation mixed with an odd reluctance to actually blog...

Anyway, I should really tell you about my new apartment. It is a nine-story brick and block monolith built in the roaring '20s. Used to be a five star hotel. It has an ornate two story ballroom, and retains almost all of its original tin ceilings, carvings, doors, and other trappings. I live in a northwest corner apartment on the seventh floor. I believe my unit used to be two guest rooms with a door cut between them. It is by far the most special and "totally-me" place I've ever lived. And the rent is cheap.

More here:

Landmark Building

New Airbag for Kids

Here is my concept for child safety. It is a portable airbag. Here you see my two adorable (and SAFE) models demonstrating the prototype. They're comments? "Daaaaaad!!" Note, however, they're willingness to pose for the brochure. "American Inventor", here I come!

Kerry Slams Iraq Vets and Families

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." -John Kerry, 10/30/2006

What a tragic statement. What a tragic man. Shame on you, John Kerry!

Rainbow Connection

Check out the rainbow I followed all the way to Green Bay last month.

Still not moved out of the old place completely, but getting ever closer. Nice to be in downtown, steps away from everything. The girls absolutely love Moonbeam, and love the apartment too.

X is still a pain. Her latest is: "I don't think the kids should stay with you overnight because they don't have beds." Like hell they don't. I've gotten them full sized inflatable matresses and new bed linens that they chose. I guess that's not conventional enough for X, though. Tough.

By the way, I sleep on an air mattress too, and I highly highly recommend it. No more tossing and turning, no back pain. The only problem is getting out of bed!

Alas, I am still unemployed. One and a half months seems forever, and money is very low. But I've never been happier. This time off is very good for me. And very scary.

I've spent more time with Mom and Sis and the boys over the last two months than in many years. That alone is worth the price of unemployment.

I've paid off the car! My hoopty is really MINE!!

Gotta go for now. Keep praying for me, it really helps.

Moonbeam

I am Moonbeam. I am black, small, and cute. I purr. My ears double as wings. Love me. NOW!

Baldy Teken

Yes, this is a rare picture of the endangered American Bald Teken. Note the egg-shaped head and affinity for pink furniture. This picture is a glaring (hee hee) reminder that it is important to get out on November 7th to vote. Remember, the evil Repulicruds would exploit and kill the Bald Tekens because they just don't care. Vote Demoncat and save this smooth species.

Did I mention that the American Bald Teken is a copious source of embrionic stem cells? Demoncats won't call that exploitation, after all, they CARE. Right, Michael? Oh, the Fox is the only natural enemy of the ABT. All the blovious vacuuousness is toxic to this sensitive species.

Blip!

1. I am still alive
2. I now have three tats
3. I have shaved my head. Photos?...maybe
4. Am very comfortable in my new apartment -- I LOVE IT!!!

No Astronaut, No Beaver, No Lincoln

You have to have seen the Rozarem commercial on the telly to get the title.

Neither Lunesta nor Rozarem work worth a plug nickle for me. How freaking sweet. They worked for two or three nights then worked no more. No eerie flourescent green butterfly thingy, no chess with random characters from my life. Thanks alot, "modern medicine"!!

Speaking of plug nickle, last Thursday the kids and I were at Rib Mountain by the Queen's Chair and there was a sign there about "Ancient Ripples". I read it aloud as "Ancient Nipples", which drew laughter from those climbing the Chair, and rebuke from my progeny. Of course we all laughed when I suggested "Ancient Nipples" as a Jeopardy answer, the question to which would be "What is under my grandma's polyester blouse?". Remember, I am child-like, not childish...

Driving Mister Teken

Grrrr!

You know, I'd like to say something like this:

"There's something very serene and peaceful and life-affirming about driving the streets at 2:30 in the morning. People all snug in there little beds and me rolling silently through the neighborhoods -- almost as a guardian, watching over them."

Yup, I'd like to say something like that. In fact, it would be true -- IF IT WERE OPPOSITE DAY!!!

Teken got into a major funk last night. The bulging file cabinet (see last post) broke open, and all those nasty files flew into the air and kept landing, hither-tither, giving me psychological paper cuts. So, I got up and drove for an hour. You know, I don't get great gas mileage when I have the weight of the world in the passenger seat.

I'm over it. The files are back, for the most part, in the cabinet. I slept from about 4am til about 11am and am drinking loads of coffee as I write. Must... refill... cup...

Ahhhh, much better. Teken coffee is STRONNNNG!!

Did you know that the cable and parcel delivery guys have a random number generator to determine when they will arrive at your house? That's why they say "some time between 11 and 4". They then enter your name into their generator and get an arbitrary time. You'll notice it's never at one end of the span or reliably in the middle.

In fact, this random number generator is CIA-funded, and also takes into account your bowel and bathing habits so as to catch you when you're pooping or drenched. You just can't hurry those things up, can you?!

But why? I'll tell you why: Because you know how we all play computer games and surf the web at work? Well, the geeks at the CIA, Homeland (in)Security, and WalMart (no, strangly, not Haliburton) watch you instead. And they just love watching you wipe furiously, or towel off incompletely, run down the stairs, and miss the dude by nanoseconds. It gives them gut-laughs.

Okay, no, that's not really why. It's because once in a while the bastards need extra time to arrange all the traffic lights to go yellow when you're approaching... No that's not it...

Once again, it's "Reader Participation Time". Explain in a comment to this post why you have to wait in your home from 11-4 every time you get cable or a parcel. I'll post the best ones. Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll post all of them that aren't gonna get me sued.

Happy commenting!

It Was Everything I Thought It Would Be!

This post's title is another quote from the movie Office Space. It also describes what I've been doing alot of lately. Nothing. Sweet, glorious nothing, and loving every minute of it.

Okay, sure, I've had meetings with my attorney, interviewed for jobs, networked, fixed on my car, yadda yadda... but I sleep until I want to get up, and just generally take my time doing NOTHING! Yes, the pressure is still on, but I try to cram it into a bulging file drawer in my head and lock it away because there is nothing else I can do about it until the money starts flowing in.

Had a rip-roaring verbal duel with the X. We both came away bloody, and I don't see the point. But I didn't let her walk all over me like usual. I fought back. I'm pretty bad at it but am getting better with practice. She doesn't like it much. Good.

As for employment, I have a second interview with Aspirus for an analyst position next Monday (the 25th). I'm still hopeful, but looking elsewhere too.

To everyone at MC, thank you for your support. Keep reading the poodle. To everyone else, especially Sis, the more words of encouragement the better. This is kinda go-time for me, and I need all the good stuff I can get.

SNEAKY TEKEN ALERT! I just back-dated a post to July. It is dated July 31 at about 11pm. I just think it's best there since that's when it happened.

Resignation Hits My Coworkers

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 19:16:02 -0700
From: Teken
To: someguy.joe@notmarshfieldclinic.org, someotherguy@neversentry.com>

Yes, predictably I finally had enough. I could recount delicious details, but I believe my emails are MOST DEFINITELY NOT being monitored. Or I'm completely insane with paranoia.

Factually, I tendered a very restrained and eloquent resignation letter (my Mom's health is fading along with her mind I'm afraid), leaving the door open for future collaboration. That was met, within a couple of hours with my utter lack of security to Clinic systems, and complete silence. Well, except for a note from HR blathering on and on about PTO time, etc.. Ironically, since I have no email at the Clinic anymore, I can neither read or respond to those blatherings.

Interviewed today for an application analyst job with Aspirus. Looking very positive.

If it was sudden for all of you, imagine the shit stains in MY underwear!! Buckle up, kiddies, time for "the part on Sprockets when we dance" (horrible vague reference to an OLD SNL skit)..

Feel free to keep this email to yourself and your 200 closest friends and enemies.

Pray for me loudly and continuously. Repeat.
-Teken

Seriously, WOW!
Mark, I had no idea, but please do enlighten me with some details
(including Macho Poodle)!!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----
No, unfortunately I do not know the exact address. I've copied Mark so
he can enlighten us.

If you haven't yet heard, Mark has resigned; effective yesterday.

Joe

------Reply Message------
From:DD
Date:Thu Sep 07, 2006 -- 09:32:49 AM

I don't know it. Joe, do you know it?

-----Original Message------
Subject:Macho poodle

Hey, LV said something about a blog...called Macho Poodle. Do
you know the website. I'd love to read it!

Resignation

Supervisor,

It is with tempered regret that I must submit my resignation effective today, September 6, 2006. I say tempered because, given my tumultuous family health situation(s) and the Information Systems department's reluctance to work out an agreeable alternate working arrangement, the decision was not that difficult.

I will offer my continued assistance tying up loose ends, MECCA consults, etc. for an indefinite period by phone, email, and/or the occasional on-site visit if necessary, but I simply cannot be in two places at once. I am sure you understand.

Of course, this decision comes with real-world implications, so please process my resignation with due diligence so that I may access my retirement account, this being regrettable but necessary under the circumstances.

Truly I wish this seperation could have happened under calmer, less hectic skies, but we have to deal with what our maker gives us. Please be reassured that I value my professionalism almost as much as the dear relationships I have made at here over the past five-plus years. I will work hard to see that the transition is as uneventful as possible.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and best wishes.

Sincerely,

Mark M. Bastian

P.S. If you decide to inactivate my security, please use the following for future contact:

myemailatcharter@charterlikeisaid.duh
715-555-1212

cc:
Christensena, Carlos
Herbert, Liza MD
Kowalskid, Tack
Nikoluss, Saint
NoPowers, Dummy
Redswingline, Stapler