Motor Excess

If the world were just, I would be skinny. Of course, I've always thought that, but now I have scientific proof.

I've been a percussionist since 6th grade. I did 4 years in drum corps, played professionally in two orchestras, and attended a prestigious conservatory. This means that, in my daily life, I am constantly, incessantly drumming. On my legs, steering wheel, keyboard tray, whatever. I even keep drum sticks at work. It annoys the hell out of just about anybody with whom I become comfortable enough to do it (everyone). Except other drummers, who seem compelled to join in, and we jam.

Also, my legs quite often piston up and down on their own, unbeknownst to me until someone shoots ocular arrows at me or whacks my leg, or both. Hey, gotta keep the calf muscles toned for the bass drum and hi-hat!

Finally, I'm always chewing gum. My temporal/mandibular muscles are huge.

Now, according to the Post article I should be a lean, mean, annoying machine. So why am I fat, fat, fat? I mean, how could a few double quarter pounders with cheese, a six pack, and a completely sedentary job POSSIBLY compete with my superior fidgeticity? It's wrong, I tell you!

There's gotta be someone I can sue.