Get a Part-Time Job

NOTE: This is an email I sent myself on July 31st, after a talk with... "someone":

This one burns. White hot. You know, the feeling that you've actually been flash-frozen it's so hot? Yeah, that's how this burns.

Unfortunately, I don't have a prophetic monologue in mind for the way I have just been treated, so let me descibe it to you. Then maybe I'll gain the clarity of mind to approach the situation positively.

I just trusted "someone" enough to confide in him that, through the sickness of my kids' mother, my mom's hospitalization, and my own brush with the grim reaper, I have been left financially weakened. I asked if it were possible to cut my commuting expenses by working from one of the five locations we have closer to my home. This would probably save me about $70 a week in gas.

The answer was nearly instantaneous and was preceeded by no words of understanding: "No, I don't see how that's possible." He said it with no regret, no empathy. In fact, if I were to assign an emotion to his rapid-fire response, it would have to be self-satisfaction. That was it. No discussion. Game over.

Now, really, I wasn't expecting a gush of warm, touchy-feely support. But I thought there would be at least an attempt to appear concerned.

"Maybe you should get a part time job to help." WTF?!?!?! Right, work 45 hours a week here, plus 10 more hours of commuting, and then go back and work part time?! Okay, sure, maybe I could get a job KICKING YOUR SICK, CLUELESS ASS!! Shit, I'd do that job for free!

About an hour later, "someone" suggests that I contact Employee Assistance to help. I informed him that I've already enlisted they're "top notch" help, so he just shruged and walked away.

Okay, I said a prayer, took a moment to cool-off, and all of that. But I am still so royally pissed that I could just walk the fuck out of here right now.

I work under conditions (heavy edit) that are truly sick. I mean gangrenously, pustulently, cancerously, toxically, virulently, violently ill. I need to recognize this and move on. I will.

How does this emotional rape make me feel? Unwanted, unworthy, weak, pathetic, sad, disappointed, angry, and vengeful. Every single fucked-up emotion I could feel -- all at once.

It

Just a very rough draft. Not done yet. Patience.

None of what you are about to read makes any sense if you're in a hurry. Or if your mad. Go away and get over it first.

Little fish. Remember, there's nothing you can do about the time before you arrived. Alot of good meaning people and grace survived and got you here in the first place. You're standing on their shoulders and most of the time that pressure you feel is them propelling you forward. Take it and go with it. You don't deserve it. It simply is. Make good choices. Do what's right. Every day, even the small stuff people don't notice. Steal if you have to, but always pay back and then some. Sometimes the ends DO justify the means, but when the means include deceit, theft, lies, mistruths or other shenanigans, they usually don't.

No, you did not ask to be born. Yes, you can kill yourself. BUT -- think of the other people who love you -- they didn't ask to be born either. Still, if you decide to go, then go. It's not good or bad. It just is. But what a shame.

You are a rubber band. How big you are and how strong are not your choice. You can be stretched to store potential energy and that energy can be released later. The energy can be used for good or evil, it's your choice. Oh, you could also just stay in the dark drawer with the other rubber bands. No energy, no potential, no moment of release, no thrill of effect. No difference. Again, maybe it's not a great choice, but it beats the heck out of becoming a terrorist.

You are constantly expanding to fill the voids around you, and the voids will never be full. But, when you expand too quickly, you can break like an anurism. Stretch carefully and in a controlled way until you reach a new limit and then stop and reflect. "Was this stretch for good or evil" ask yourself. Repeat. Question the limit.

Every single 'thing' in your life is a continuum. A range. Low to high, soft to loud, like that. You are plunked down more or less in the middle of the continua, it's your job to keep between the lines. There will be highs and lows. Be steady. But don't over react.

You are built to test limits, not to follow rules. You are a sports car. You are moving very fast. You need instruments you can trust to help you to navigate. Unfortunately there are none. You have to make them. Try judging your success ONLY by whether your actions result in good or bad outcomes. Feedback you get from so-called 'objective measures' of success in life (pay, position, praise, power) is often too contradictory to get a good read on where you are or how you're doing. You'll get much better feedback listening to your heart. Fly by feel. Know what's right. Stretch when you hit a boundry that doesn't feel right. Stop or slow down when it gets scary, not just when you 'see' an obstacle. Why? Because it is often either 1) your imperfect senses giving you messed-up messages, or 2) 'society' being really screwed up as usual (think Enron).

Rules. Don't get me started.

God gave you Gut. Use it. Gut, gut, gut.

Your eyes can deceive you.

Your ears can hear things you make up.

Wrote processing of thought by blindly applying 'rules' is extremely dangerous: like Auschwitz and the Reich. Don't force the literal. It's a sign of mental fatigue that can lead to subjugation.

You are the rubber band. You decide when to stretch and when to release. All the crap setup around you is not in your control, but your response to it is.

Oh yeah, all of the beauty, magic, and miracle you see around you are also out of your control, but you have to power to appreciate it and be thankful. Do it. It's never wrong. Even when it's a beautiful woman/man whom you'll never get, but would take in a heartbeat. It's okay to be attracted. It's not okay to be a letch.

Keep giving. If you don't have money, give a shit. It means more anyway, believe me. Open doors. Hug. Use terms of endearment. Tease lovingly. Talk to the cash register dude. Make eye contact. Share. Give. Remember. Pay attention. Give. Love.

Society, bad friends, drugs, bad rearing, and disease can blur your sense of what's right and what's wrong -- even before you know it to begin with. Once you get it, keep it and never waver. Remember, we all die. Better to die for what's right than to live another day having compromised what's right.

Knowing this, also realize that you will do wrong. Alot. Even on purpose sometimes. It all becomes part of the past. Learn from it. That's all you can do. Let it hurt when you err, but don't kill yourself over it. God made you. He wants you to be happy. You'll only be happy if you do right. You'll only do right if you take chances. You can't take chances when your dead.

No wrong you can do can condemn you. No good you can do can earn you redemption. Again, you were already going blindingly fast when you got here.

You can't know what comes after this life. Nobody can. Not a Priest, Judge, or President. But don't quit trying to figure it out -- the mind loves a puzzle.

Man plans, God laughs, but not because it's funny -- he just knows the final score and outcome. Ha ha.

Don't do evil even if it's "deserved" (whatever that means). Hitler was not an evil person -- but he did killed and maimed because he couldn't let go of the evil others had done to him. Plus he had crazies around him who also supported him and his messed-up priorities. I truly believe he was sorry just before he died. Remember: Revenge hurts the avenger, too. Alot. And it never works.

Try not to judge others. You have too much on your own plate. It's like driving off a cliff because you let go of the wheel to point at another driver's mistake. Let it go. Worry about you.

Getting drunk, acting stupid, gambling, looking at porn, smoking, and all those other vices do have their place. But really, they should be entertainment only. Don't get caught up or addicted.

You were born going 80 miles an hour down a crowded freeway. You neither chose nor have any idea where you're going at first -- nobody does. Honestly, neither did your mom and dad when they had you, probably. All those friendly faces can teach you to drive, but starting the instant you can reach the pedals and steering wheel, the ride's yours. Don't scream and cover your eyes. There's no time. Follow the rules, don't wreck. Change lanes, take exits, change direction. Site see. Pick a new destination.

My Baby's NINE!

No Toe Nail

Free the toes!

God Wrote "Office Space"

Hey Teken, how's it goin...yeah, so, did you get the memo about the new cover letter for the TPS reports? Yeah, well I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and, ah,...

If you'd like to see a snapshot in my daily work life, just see the movie "Office Space". I am Peter. And I'm at the part of the movie where every day is my worst day. I haven't seen the occupational hypnotherapist yet.

My team leader uses a non-standard Red Swingline Stapler. Says it doesn't bind up like the Stanley Bostitch. I shit you not.

But is it really good to be a gangsta?

I'll get back to you...

Family Nuggets

1. My Uncle D.S. had a lover who left him a ton of money. He divorced my aunt (Mom's side) and left her with almost nothing.

2. My Uncle K.F. (Mom's side) was a grifter who died in his sleep from insulin and sleeping pills. He, his wife, and kids (gorgious, I just met them a couple of years ago) had to leave Colorado after just opening all of their Christmas gifts one year.

3. My Aunt C.B.'s husband's Mom shot her pregnant daughter and herself to death in the house across from our cottage (back in the 1950s I think).

4. I still have the most unbelievable crushes on my two cousins D.B. and J.B.. Shame shame shame!

Things I Learned in Green Bay

1. You can taste insincerity in a hospital, which is why hospital food sometimes tastes really bad
1. Bring extra underwear because you'll probably stay longer than you planned
2. Don't sniff your underwear on the third wearing -- trust me, it stinks
2. Eat something before you get there because although the meal you get when you arrive will be delicious, you will wait
2. Rock Star 16-ouncers don't count as food
2. My name is Bendillonmark
6. My nephews are named after me
3. Massively Multi-player Role-playing Games are really pretty cool
4. You can go to bed when the sun rises, too
Z. You can survive an almost unlimited number of falls off of a conversational change of subject cliff as long as you pay attention
5. TV wrestling is a vahgeen HOOOOT!!
8. 2 year olds have special laser eye beams that bore holes in your heart and fill them with love
6. Guacamole turns baby poop brown if left out for a couple of hours
7. Baby poop brown guacamole tastes good
5. Zen loves to ride in the back of a gray Mustang convertible going down the freeway at 90 miles an hour on a 100 degree afternoon
0. If you find yourself reclining with Zen in the aforementioned convertible, don't wear a hat or sunglasses, and don't open your mouth or you'll lose a filling
8. Earwigs are nasty
Q. You will always pack things you don't need, even if you don't pack
1. You will always forget to pack that thing you need, even if you hire a vacation planner
4. Neither "Q." nor "1." above have any bearing on the quality of your experience, so chill
7. The "shaving cream in the hand, tickle the nose" trick really does work quite well
04. Newer Bun coffee makers only start brewing after you close the water lid thingy
9. Being randomly weird with your sister and nephews is startlingly cathartic
?. If you back up down a street, people will point at you
3. Ridiculing people who just pointed at you is fun, but only if you're with people
10. Wisdom plays a wicked game of hide-and-seek, but you can end up rolling on the floor laughing if you play along

Family Rocks

Y'all should know that one's own family really rocks. Yup, there's no better way to regain the sense of what you're all about than to spend a few days with your blood.

Just take Baird to Hastings (just before the viaduct) and your head will swing back on straight.

Thank you, big Sis, for putting up with me. Ben and Dillon, I wish you both a lifetime of unharsh. Baby Abby -- don't get P.O.'d!

Toe Truck Teken

Vahgeen Azzle says: When moving a big, overstuffed lounge chair, it is a good idea to wear shoes. Why? Because it is possible to pull the big, heavy chair backwards over your foot, but not quite make it over the foot. Then the toenail on your big toe gets ripped nearly off and you will experience discomfort. When I say "discomfort", what I mean is eye-watering, can't-breathe, dog whistle scream, multiple-expletive PAIIIIIIINNNNN!!!! Oh, then there's the blood. Anyways, when moving heavy things, remember: shoes good, bare feet bad.

Teken: Vahgeen Azzle

So, I just spent the last three days and nights in Green Bay with Mom in intensive care. She was nearly dead. But some long hours, and a game or five of "inflated non-latex glove volleyball" later, she's getting better. Whew.

Anyway, so I get back to Wausau and go visit my kids, whom I missed and hugged furiously. Played together from about 6pm to about 9 or so. Later, I get a call from X asking where I am. "Home", I say, 'cause that's where I was. See, it seems that she didn't get home until around ten last night, so the kids were alone for about an hour. At 9 and 12 years old, they're home most days alone while X is at work.

But noooooooooo, after their hour alone I get a call from what sounds like a drunk, angry hornet. When I tried to reason with her and find out why she was swearing at me, I got a very concise answer: "Bucuzzz yer a Vahgeen Azzle!". Despite the slur and the abruptly ensuing hang-up, I got the translation.

Well there you have it. I bend over backwards to make our divorce as friendly and comfortable for the kids and her as possible. In fact, I'm going bankrupt doing it. She's living in a huge condo with cathedral ceilings and art prints while I'm -- well, not. But I'm a vahgeen azzle.

Super.