"Bring It"

"Bring it", she said. X met me at the door to her condo this evening in a rage. She seethed something about my apartment being unsafe, and "God knows what goes on there". She kept the children from me. I calmly asked her to reconsider and she refused. Then she said it: "Bring it". Unheralded, out of context, and with complete hatred, like we were in a cage fight or something.

So, I assured her she'd be hearing from my lawyer. She claimed I didn't have one, and that's when I stumbled a bit and sunk to her level. I told her my lawyer's name and what he knows about her. I shouldn't have done that.

I turned around, came home, and here I am. I do not want revenge, I do not want to fight. I just want my kids. My beautiful, beautiful kids. I miss them so much I ache. I thought the divorce would end X's abuse, but it has only escalated it because she uses the kids as weapons. It is sickening. It is hateful.

How odd that, back when I was working, everything was fine and dandy, even when I was in the hospital she brought the kids to see me, but, now that the checks aren't coming, suddenly I'm unsafe. I guess people let us know who they are by their actions, we just have to observe. Oh, yeah, she yipped something about my life insurance, too. I told here that, being unemployed, I was concentrating on feeding and housing myself right now. That didn't stop her from having her lawyer send me a note complaining about me not having life insurance. Really makes you think, doesn't it? Arrest me. I have no contempt for the court or the divorce decree, but plenty for that hag-parasite, the no-good bottom-feeder.

I'm not sure what to do next. I've got to breathe. I better phone my attorney and leave a message now, just so he has this on record. I am alone, broken-hearted, and lost. I am so afraid. Will write more later.

So, What's Next?

Yesterday, in addition to musing over my "clinging" nature, I mentioned how much I want to do and contribute yet in my life. Hmmm, sounds list a wish list is in order, so here's what I want to accomplish:

1. See both my daughters grow up and be happy
2. Love passionately again
3. Sky dive
4. Establish a foundation to help ex-husbands
5. Hunt deer
6. Live in Ireland, perhaps for a long time
7. Vacation with my sister and her kids in Cancun
8. Drive fast -- maybe a stock car
9. Perform again, with a symphony again
10. Get paid for doing what I love, without compromise
11. Teach

This is a partial list, and I hope to refine it over time.

Do I Outlive My Welcome?

Just pondering. You know, at my last three jobs I felt I had much more to contribute, when in fact my bosses were pointing to the door: but I only belatedly took the hint each time.

I held on to a broken marriage until the toxic fog was so thick I almost couldn't escape.

Each time I've clung to relationships/situations, the most painful part was the embarassment of finding out just how desperate I appeared. And how much better it would have been had I just gotten out.

I'm just wondering if this habit of holding on too long pervades me.

Look at my life: I have had two beautiful children, professional accomplishments most never enjoy, profound artistic experiences, great love from many, and so much much more. I've lived the shit out of life, in short.

Lately I've been experiencing things that give me that "outlived my welcome" feeling in life. Bad credit, mounting debt, unemployment, and others. What sign, if any, is this?

I am 42 years old and relatively healthy and upbeat. I have many future ambitions. I have so much more to contribute. So why do I feel the draft of an open door... again? But this is a door unlike the others I've used. An irreversible, ultimately consequential decision faces me.

I think I'll chalk this feeling up to over compensation. It's nice to have spelled this all out.

Thanks for Stopping By

Here's something you rarely see in a blog today: A gratuitous, generalized plea for readership thinly disguised as a 'thank you'.

Thanks for stopping by. Please take a moment to read the posts labeled ** Must Read **. Also, if you like this blog, please link to me. I promise I'll do the same for you!

I'm not trying to make money on this blog, or promote any specific cause besides thinking, humor, and perspective.

Remember: Powers for good, never for evil.

Remembering Murph on Veteran's Day

Well, it's Veteran's Day. My Dad is on the far top right in Korea. He didn't want me to post this picture, so of course it took me forever (hmmm, wonder where I got my stubborn streak?). Actually, Dad never talked about his service, a reluctance I hear is shared by so many Veterans. That's too bad, because I would have liked to hear more. Suffice it to say I'm proud of you, Dad, no matter how you remember that time of your life.

We owe our freedom, even to dissent, to people like Murphy, my Dad. We're not a perfect country, but I believe that we're the closest thing God's given the world. I feel lucky to live here. Perhaps if you don't, you shouldn't, hmm?

So, my heartfelt thank you to all those who read this and have served. And especially to those who have served and cannot read this. Rest now, knowing you made a worthy sacrifice and you are loved and missed.

Apoplectic Over Apathy

See my last post. Literally on election day, Charter Communication decided to change its channel layout. I went to turn on Fox News for erection coverage, and got static. I called Charter and someone in India suggested I "scan all channels" to find it.

I found it. On the Cartoon Network.

Okay, I'll admit that Charter exhibited perfect humor in its channel realignment, since all politics have devolved to ADHD-addled, sound byte-driven cartoons. However, I remain apoplectic over the fact that it happened.

I tried convincing all three local TV news stations of the significance of this, and I was met with: Channel 7 - Fat; Channel 9 - Dumb; and Channel 11 - Stupid.

I even walked down the street to my favorite radio station, AM 1150 WSAU. The doors were open and I walked up to the studio. I talked to a fat man who promptly escorted me out the way I came.

I walked to my local pub and, to my surprise, the four patrons at least understood my rage. I played a couple of games of pool and downed a Clausthaller (Teken living on the edge), and left.

Well, given my local response to this obvious irregularity, we have gotten what we deserve in Washington. I am just sad that my Dad fought in Korea, and so many have died pursuing human liberty, just to end up with a pathetic, lazy, ignorant populace. I pray for us.

Fox Hiding

Above you see channel 69, which is supposed to be Cartoon Network. Right now it is running Fox News.

Here's a picture of channel 77, which is listed as Fox News Channel:


At this time, Fox news, which is usually channel 77, has been moved to channel 69, which is supposed to be cartoon network. This is very suspicious given that today is voting day. I've never had anything like this happen before.

X-treme Behavior

Pic of me, shocked that X is up to her old tricks (by shocked, I mean not at all shocked).

Latest update on X's dysfunctional behavior: This is my weekend with the girls, and X has managed to convince 97 that she doesn't want to stay over with me tonight (but tomorrow night is fine, somehow). X said: "Do you realize that all of 97's friends think you're ill? It's the way you LOOK". She is, of course, referring to my choice to shave my head. I have been told by many others who know me that I've never looked more healthy. I honestly think X is manipulating the kids, trying to alienate them from me. If anyone has any advise on how to handle this, that would be great. Right now I'm just planning to gently ascertain whether 97 really said these things.

Even though we're divorced, X continues to find ways to abuse.

Oh, she also left me two voicemails yesterday, which I returned this morning. She flew off the handle because it took me 12 hours to respond. She says she's concerned that "what would happen if the kids were in the hospital and you didn't answer?!" That would never happen. I always listen to my messages, I just don't respond to them all immediately. Is that bad? Didn't think so.

WARNING: Dad Gushes Over Children

One of my favorite pictures, which I took with my Samsung phone this fall.

It's 29F degrees outside right now. On November 2! It's gonna be a long winter.

I'm picking up 94 and her friend from school today. I am so proud of 94! She is a free spirit, yet she is really applying herself at school ('A' grades, mostly). She is developing a wisdom about human nature and relationships that I wish I had at twice her age. She sees beyond the B.S., yet is kind and forgiving. She is polite but persistant. She knows what she wants, knows it's up to her to get it, and very effectively goes about getting it without hurting others.

Of course, my pride for 97 continues to be high, too. She is a wonderful, warm, loving person. She performs exceedingly well in school, and REALLY learns. I'm proud that she has been elected a Peer Mediator at her school, and shows leadership skills even at her tender age. Her moral compass is spot-on, and you can tell when she sees situations that seem less than moral.

If one of the goals of parenting is to help equip your children for their adult lives, to give them the skills you didn't have when you were growing-up, I feel I've at least made a good start. I love them so!