"Bring It"

"Bring it", she said. X met me at the door to her condo this evening in a rage. She seethed something about my apartment being unsafe, and "God knows what goes on there". She kept the children from me. I calmly asked her to reconsider and she refused. Then she said it: "Bring it". Unheralded, out of context, and with complete hatred, like we were in a cage fight or something.

So, I assured her she'd be hearing from my lawyer. She claimed I didn't have one, and that's when I stumbled a bit and sunk to her level. I told her my lawyer's name and what he knows about her. I shouldn't have done that.

I turned around, came home, and here I am. I do not want revenge, I do not want to fight. I just want my kids. My beautiful, beautiful kids. I miss them so much I ache. I thought the divorce would end X's abuse, but it has only escalated it because she uses the kids as weapons. It is sickening. It is hateful.

How odd that, back when I was working, everything was fine and dandy, even when I was in the hospital she brought the kids to see me, but, now that the checks aren't coming, suddenly I'm unsafe. I guess people let us know who they are by their actions, we just have to observe. Oh, yeah, she yipped something about my life insurance, too. I told here that, being unemployed, I was concentrating on feeding and housing myself right now. That didn't stop her from having her lawyer send me a note complaining about me not having life insurance. Really makes you think, doesn't it? Arrest me. I have no contempt for the court or the divorce decree, but plenty for that hag-parasite, the no-good bottom-feeder.

I'm not sure what to do next. I've got to breathe. I better phone my attorney and leave a message now, just so he has this on record. I am alone, broken-hearted, and lost. I am so afraid. Will write more later.

So, What's Next?

Yesterday, in addition to musing over my "clinging" nature, I mentioned how much I want to do and contribute yet in my life. Hmmm, sounds list a wish list is in order, so here's what I want to accomplish:

1. See both my daughters grow up and be happy
2. Love passionately again
3. Sky dive
4. Establish a foundation to help ex-husbands
5. Hunt deer
6. Live in Ireland, perhaps for a long time
7. Vacation with my sister and her kids in Cancun
8. Drive fast -- maybe a stock car
9. Perform again, with a symphony again
10. Get paid for doing what I love, without compromise
11. Teach

This is a partial list, and I hope to refine it over time.

Do I Outlive My Welcome?

Just pondering. You know, at my last three jobs I felt I had much more to contribute, when in fact my bosses were pointing to the door: but I only belatedly took the hint each time.

I held on to a broken marriage until the toxic fog was so thick I almost couldn't escape.

Each time I've clung to relationships/situations, the most painful part was the embarassment of finding out just how desperate I appeared. And how much better it would have been had I just gotten out.

I'm just wondering if this habit of holding on too long pervades me.

Look at my life: I have had two beautiful children, professional accomplishments most never enjoy, profound artistic experiences, great love from many, and so much much more. I've lived the shit out of life, in short.

Lately I've been experiencing things that give me that "outlived my welcome" feeling in life. Bad credit, mounting debt, unemployment, and others. What sign, if any, is this?

I am 42 years old and relatively healthy and upbeat. I have many future ambitions. I have so much more to contribute. So why do I feel the draft of an open door... again? But this is a door unlike the others I've used. An irreversible, ultimately consequential decision faces me.

I think I'll chalk this feeling up to over compensation. It's nice to have spelled this all out.

Thanks for Stopping By

Here's something you rarely see in a blog today: A gratuitous, generalized plea for readership thinly disguised as a 'thank you'.

Thanks for stopping by. Please take a moment to read the posts labeled ** Must Read **. Also, if you like this blog, please link to me. I promise I'll do the same for you!

I'm not trying to make money on this blog, or promote any specific cause besides thinking, humor, and perspective.

Remember: Powers for good, never for evil.

Remembering Murph on Veteran's Day

Well, it's Veteran's Day. My Dad is on the far top right in Korea. He didn't want me to post this picture, so of course it took me forever (hmmm, wonder where I got my stubborn streak?). Actually, Dad never talked about his service, a reluctance I hear is shared by so many Veterans. That's too bad, because I would have liked to hear more. Suffice it to say I'm proud of you, Dad, no matter how you remember that time of your life.

We owe our freedom, even to dissent, to people like Murphy, my Dad. We're not a perfect country, but I believe that we're the closest thing God's given the world. I feel lucky to live here. Perhaps if you don't, you shouldn't, hmm?

So, my heartfelt thank you to all those who read this and have served. And especially to those who have served and cannot read this. Rest now, knowing you made a worthy sacrifice and you are loved and missed.

Apoplectic Over Apathy

See my last post. Literally on election day, Charter Communication decided to change its channel layout. I went to turn on Fox News for erection coverage, and got static. I called Charter and someone in India suggested I "scan all channels" to find it.

I found it. On the Cartoon Network.

Okay, I'll admit that Charter exhibited perfect humor in its channel realignment, since all politics have devolved to ADHD-addled, sound byte-driven cartoons. However, I remain apoplectic over the fact that it happened.

I tried convincing all three local TV news stations of the significance of this, and I was met with: Channel 7 - Fat; Channel 9 - Dumb; and Channel 11 - Stupid.

I even walked down the street to my favorite radio station, AM 1150 WSAU. The doors were open and I walked up to the studio. I talked to a fat man who promptly escorted me out the way I came.

I walked to my local pub and, to my surprise, the four patrons at least understood my rage. I played a couple of games of pool and downed a Clausthaller (Teken living on the edge), and left.

Well, given my local response to this obvious irregularity, we have gotten what we deserve in Washington. I am just sad that my Dad fought in Korea, and so many have died pursuing human liberty, just to end up with a pathetic, lazy, ignorant populace. I pray for us.

Fox Hiding

Above you see channel 69, which is supposed to be Cartoon Network. Right now it is running Fox News.

Here's a picture of channel 77, which is listed as Fox News Channel:


At this time, Fox news, which is usually channel 77, has been moved to channel 69, which is supposed to be cartoon network. This is very suspicious given that today is voting day. I've never had anything like this happen before.

X-treme Behavior

Pic of me, shocked that X is up to her old tricks (by shocked, I mean not at all shocked).

Latest update on X's dysfunctional behavior: This is my weekend with the girls, and X has managed to convince 97 that she doesn't want to stay over with me tonight (but tomorrow night is fine, somehow). X said: "Do you realize that all of 97's friends think you're ill? It's the way you LOOK". She is, of course, referring to my choice to shave my head. I have been told by many others who know me that I've never looked more healthy. I honestly think X is manipulating the kids, trying to alienate them from me. If anyone has any advise on how to handle this, that would be great. Right now I'm just planning to gently ascertain whether 97 really said these things.

Even though we're divorced, X continues to find ways to abuse.

Oh, she also left me two voicemails yesterday, which I returned this morning. She flew off the handle because it took me 12 hours to respond. She says she's concerned that "what would happen if the kids were in the hospital and you didn't answer?!" That would never happen. I always listen to my messages, I just don't respond to them all immediately. Is that bad? Didn't think so.

WARNING: Dad Gushes Over Children

One of my favorite pictures, which I took with my Samsung phone this fall.

It's 29F degrees outside right now. On November 2! It's gonna be a long winter.

I'm picking up 94 and her friend from school today. I am so proud of 94! She is a free spirit, yet she is really applying herself at school ('A' grades, mostly). She is developing a wisdom about human nature and relationships that I wish I had at twice her age. She sees beyond the B.S., yet is kind and forgiving. She is polite but persistant. She knows what she wants, knows it's up to her to get it, and very effectively goes about getting it without hurting others.

Of course, my pride for 97 continues to be high, too. She is a wonderful, warm, loving person. She performs exceedingly well in school, and REALLY learns. I'm proud that she has been elected a Peer Mediator at her school, and shows leadership skills even at her tender age. Her moral compass is spot-on, and you can tell when she sees situations that seem less than moral.

If one of the goals of parenting is to help equip your children for their adult lives, to give them the skills you didn't have when you were growing-up, I feel I've at least made a good start. I love them so!

My New Digs

Picture of a beautiful sculpture I bought.

Why do people begin posts by saying "I should really tell you..."? Seems like a misplaced sense of obligation mixed with an odd reluctance to actually blog...

Anyway, I should really tell you about my new apartment. It is a nine-story brick and block monolith built in the roaring '20s. Used to be a five star hotel. It has an ornate two story ballroom, and retains almost all of its original tin ceilings, carvings, doors, and other trappings. I live in a northwest corner apartment on the seventh floor. I believe my unit used to be two guest rooms with a door cut between them. It is by far the most special and "totally-me" place I've ever lived. And the rent is cheap.

More here:

Landmark Building

New Airbag for Kids

Here is my concept for child safety. It is a portable airbag. Here you see my two adorable (and SAFE) models demonstrating the prototype. They're comments? "Daaaaaad!!" Note, however, they're willingness to pose for the brochure. "American Inventor", here I come!

Kerry Slams Iraq Vets and Families

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." -John Kerry, 10/30/2006

What a tragic statement. What a tragic man. Shame on you, John Kerry!

Rainbow Connection

Check out the rainbow I followed all the way to Green Bay last month.

Still not moved out of the old place completely, but getting ever closer. Nice to be in downtown, steps away from everything. The girls absolutely love Moonbeam, and love the apartment too.

X is still a pain. Her latest is: "I don't think the kids should stay with you overnight because they don't have beds." Like hell they don't. I've gotten them full sized inflatable matresses and new bed linens that they chose. I guess that's not conventional enough for X, though. Tough.

By the way, I sleep on an air mattress too, and I highly highly recommend it. No more tossing and turning, no back pain. The only problem is getting out of bed!

Alas, I am still unemployed. One and a half months seems forever, and money is very low. But I've never been happier. This time off is very good for me. And very scary.

I've spent more time with Mom and Sis and the boys over the last two months than in many years. That alone is worth the price of unemployment.

I've paid off the car! My hoopty is really MINE!!

Gotta go for now. Keep praying for me, it really helps.

Moonbeam

I am Moonbeam. I am black, small, and cute. I purr. My ears double as wings. Love me. NOW!

Baldy Teken

Yes, this is a rare picture of the endangered American Bald Teken. Note the egg-shaped head and affinity for pink furniture. This picture is a glaring (hee hee) reminder that it is important to get out on November 7th to vote. Remember, the evil Repulicruds would exploit and kill the Bald Tekens because they just don't care. Vote Demoncat and save this smooth species.

Did I mention that the American Bald Teken is a copious source of embrionic stem cells? Demoncats won't call that exploitation, after all, they CARE. Right, Michael? Oh, the Fox is the only natural enemy of the ABT. All the blovious vacuuousness is toxic to this sensitive species.

Blip!

1. I am still alive
2. I now have three tats
3. I have shaved my head. Photos?...maybe
4. Am very comfortable in my new apartment -- I LOVE IT!!!

No Astronaut, No Beaver, No Lincoln

You have to have seen the Rozarem commercial on the telly to get the title.

Neither Lunesta nor Rozarem work worth a plug nickle for me. How freaking sweet. They worked for two or three nights then worked no more. No eerie flourescent green butterfly thingy, no chess with random characters from my life. Thanks alot, "modern medicine"!!

Speaking of plug nickle, last Thursday the kids and I were at Rib Mountain by the Queen's Chair and there was a sign there about "Ancient Ripples". I read it aloud as "Ancient Nipples", which drew laughter from those climbing the Chair, and rebuke from my progeny. Of course we all laughed when I suggested "Ancient Nipples" as a Jeopardy answer, the question to which would be "What is under my grandma's polyester blouse?". Remember, I am child-like, not childish...

Driving Mister Teken

Grrrr!

You know, I'd like to say something like this:

"There's something very serene and peaceful and life-affirming about driving the streets at 2:30 in the morning. People all snug in there little beds and me rolling silently through the neighborhoods -- almost as a guardian, watching over them."

Yup, I'd like to say something like that. In fact, it would be true -- IF IT WERE OPPOSITE DAY!!!

Teken got into a major funk last night. The bulging file cabinet (see last post) broke open, and all those nasty files flew into the air and kept landing, hither-tither, giving me psychological paper cuts. So, I got up and drove for an hour. You know, I don't get great gas mileage when I have the weight of the world in the passenger seat.

I'm over it. The files are back, for the most part, in the cabinet. I slept from about 4am til about 11am and am drinking loads of coffee as I write. Must... refill... cup...

Ahhhh, much better. Teken coffee is STRONNNNG!!

Did you know that the cable and parcel delivery guys have a random number generator to determine when they will arrive at your house? That's why they say "some time between 11 and 4". They then enter your name into their generator and get an arbitrary time. You'll notice it's never at one end of the span or reliably in the middle.

In fact, this random number generator is CIA-funded, and also takes into account your bowel and bathing habits so as to catch you when you're pooping or drenched. You just can't hurry those things up, can you?!

But why? I'll tell you why: Because you know how we all play computer games and surf the web at work? Well, the geeks at the CIA, Homeland (in)Security, and WalMart (no, strangly, not Haliburton) watch you instead. And they just love watching you wipe furiously, or towel off incompletely, run down the stairs, and miss the dude by nanoseconds. It gives them gut-laughs.

Okay, no, that's not really why. It's because once in a while the bastards need extra time to arrange all the traffic lights to go yellow when you're approaching... No that's not it...

Once again, it's "Reader Participation Time". Explain in a comment to this post why you have to wait in your home from 11-4 every time you get cable or a parcel. I'll post the best ones. Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I'll post all of them that aren't gonna get me sued.

Happy commenting!

It Was Everything I Thought It Would Be!

This post's title is another quote from the movie Office Space. It also describes what I've been doing alot of lately. Nothing. Sweet, glorious nothing, and loving every minute of it.

Okay, sure, I've had meetings with my attorney, interviewed for jobs, networked, fixed on my car, yadda yadda... but I sleep until I want to get up, and just generally take my time doing NOTHING! Yes, the pressure is still on, but I try to cram it into a bulging file drawer in my head and lock it away because there is nothing else I can do about it until the money starts flowing in.

Had a rip-roaring verbal duel with the X. We both came away bloody, and I don't see the point. But I didn't let her walk all over me like usual. I fought back. I'm pretty bad at it but am getting better with practice. She doesn't like it much. Good.

As for employment, I have a second interview with Aspirus for an analyst position next Monday (the 25th). I'm still hopeful, but looking elsewhere too.

To everyone at MC, thank you for your support. Keep reading the poodle. To everyone else, especially Sis, the more words of encouragement the better. This is kinda go-time for me, and I need all the good stuff I can get.

SNEAKY TEKEN ALERT! I just back-dated a post to July. It is dated July 31 at about 11pm. I just think it's best there since that's when it happened.

Resignation Hits My Coworkers

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 19:16:02 -0700
From: Teken
To: someguy.joe@notmarshfieldclinic.org, someotherguy@neversentry.com>

Yes, predictably I finally had enough. I could recount delicious details, but I believe my emails are MOST DEFINITELY NOT being monitored. Or I'm completely insane with paranoia.

Factually, I tendered a very restrained and eloquent resignation letter (my Mom's health is fading along with her mind I'm afraid), leaving the door open for future collaboration. That was met, within a couple of hours with my utter lack of security to Clinic systems, and complete silence. Well, except for a note from HR blathering on and on about PTO time, etc.. Ironically, since I have no email at the Clinic anymore, I can neither read or respond to those blatherings.

Interviewed today for an application analyst job with Aspirus. Looking very positive.

If it was sudden for all of you, imagine the shit stains in MY underwear!! Buckle up, kiddies, time for "the part on Sprockets when we dance" (horrible vague reference to an OLD SNL skit)..

Feel free to keep this email to yourself and your 200 closest friends and enemies.

Pray for me loudly and continuously. Repeat.
-Teken

Seriously, WOW!
Mark, I had no idea, but please do enlighten me with some details
(including Macho Poodle)!!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----
No, unfortunately I do not know the exact address. I've copied Mark so
he can enlighten us.

If you haven't yet heard, Mark has resigned; effective yesterday.

Joe

------Reply Message------
From:DD
Date:Thu Sep 07, 2006 -- 09:32:49 AM

I don't know it. Joe, do you know it?

-----Original Message------
Subject:Macho poodle

Hey, LV said something about a blog...called Macho Poodle. Do
you know the website. I'd love to read it!

Resignation

Supervisor,

It is with tempered regret that I must submit my resignation effective today, September 6, 2006. I say tempered because, given my tumultuous family health situation(s) and the Information Systems department's reluctance to work out an agreeable alternate working arrangement, the decision was not that difficult.

I will offer my continued assistance tying up loose ends, MECCA consults, etc. for an indefinite period by phone, email, and/or the occasional on-site visit if necessary, but I simply cannot be in two places at once. I am sure you understand.

Of course, this decision comes with real-world implications, so please process my resignation with due diligence so that I may access my retirement account, this being regrettable but necessary under the circumstances.

Truly I wish this seperation could have happened under calmer, less hectic skies, but we have to deal with what our maker gives us. Please be reassured that I value my professionalism almost as much as the dear relationships I have made at here over the past five-plus years. I will work hard to see that the transition is as uneventful as possible.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and best wishes.

Sincerely,

Mark M. Bastian

P.S. If you decide to inactivate my security, please use the following for future contact:

myemailatcharter@charterlikeisaid.duh
715-555-1212

cc:
Christensena, Carlos
Herbert, Liza MD
Kowalskid, Tack
Nikoluss, Saint
NoPowers, Dummy
Redswingline, Stapler

A Typical MC PSWG Meeting

Some notes from a particularly useless "get-together" (NOT A MEETING AT MARSHFIELD CLINIC ON AUGUST 30, 2006):
*****
W, 8/30/06, PSWG, Noon
1215: My Boss (DJ), "note"-taker, not here. Schedule says HDM, but he's in his "room". Didn't notify anyone he'd miss the "party" he was supposed to "take notes" at. Nice example! UPDATE: Still in his "room" after the "party", gave me stupid grin.

Spent entire time arguing about PD: Blaming, deflecting, accusing, badgering, attacking, ridiculing, hogging credit, and blaming customers for OUR problems.
*****
It's nice to love your job (so I've heard).

My New Friend PIP

By the way, I post mostly from "the library" and cleanup later from home. This is particularly gratifying because the blundering dunderheads actually think they've successfully prevented people from blogging by not allowing their browsers to connect to blogger.com. The nincompoops (SP?) fail entirely to realize that we can just email our posts in using the miracle of the Blogger Email Post. In fact, I try to make my entries especially long sometimes just to hammer the point home.

But that's not why you called. So let's quit talking about me and... here... and get back the happenin-est friend-topic for young and old alike: Me and... Here!!

Apparently I am about to be introduced to PIP. PIP stands for Profoundly Important Paper (or something) and is rumored to comprise a plan on when and how I should kiss the slave master's ass in order to avoid "consequences". I'm not sure what "consequences", but I'm pretty sure emancipation is not in the offing since I've all but committed homicide... here... and have yet to be freed.

I'm sure that PIP and I will become fast friends. In fact I already have a warm feeling for PIP; warm like the tip of a lit Bic. Can you safely cram burning PIP into someone's nether-crevice? The world may never know. OR WILL THEY?!?! <cue scary organ music>

Oh, my new hero Campbell took the vows this weekend. I had to hear that from his co-inker at Human Canvas. Seems he missed work Monday and Tuesday, too. I think I'll bring him some "personal renewal ointment" tonight for a present. Or a loaded shotgun. Both would solve particular problems. But I kid.

X is witholding the kids from me again. She's so nice. Why did I ever divorce her sweet, caring, totally not-malicious self? Must have been crazy. Oh well. Sending her $1K every two weeks helps with the hideous guilt and regret. Maybe Campbell and I could share the shotgun... (Um, kidding again, hee hee).

Hope to upload some awesome sunset pics later when I get home from... here. Tres magnific!

Found a shop that sells used police interceptors. They have one from Menasha PD! I want it!! Check them out a http://www.usedcopcars.com.

Tat's a Rap!

A quick shout out to my new favorite graphic artist, Campbell. Awesome job on my tat, bro. Kinda spooky, though, 'cause it's like you're in my MIND. Spooky for YOU, that is!! BWA HAH HAH HAHHHH!!!!

Feeeeearsssths!!!

Ha HAH! Thee Macho Poodle!

He can beee

In many places

ALL AT THEEE SAME TIME!!

Here's Teken's Icon

Yes and here is Teken's basic icon. When you see this very macho poodle, you know fun and wacky hijinks are just around the corner! He's just "Teken care of business!".


Okay, that was way over the top and I am sorry, but the kids and I did brainstorm this icon of MP. Subject to evolution of course, but a good start, don't you think?

Namesake

Yes, this is THEE Macho Poodle. Be careful! He looks cute, but he is oh, so MACHO!!

Checking In

Tasty, nutritious bullets of existence:

• Been accused, found guilty and punished for "harassment" at work
• Caught up on my laundry
• Told my team leader I'm looking
• Vented monumentally to EAP about work crap
• Commissioned a tatto (titter)
• Bought a huge thing, I'm obsessed
• Lived a whole bunch of days without running out of money, but only barely
• Got my new checks from MMCCU
• Wrote this blog entry
• Pooped some
• Stopped Rezorem, started Lunesta -- ??
• Ate some
• Cruised randomly some -- joy
• Pooped a little bit more
• Accidentally swallowed tin foil
• Discovered a bit about the nature of friendship
• Invented equation: Inner resonance (R) = [good deeds + nobody watching]
• Created the "self-assessment continuum" concept, squarely placing myself in the middle somewhere
• Pet the cat
• Tried to poop but only farted -- awww, man!!
• Reflected on the diametric profundity of stuff...

40 things

Yes, the email headers are annoying, but what price posterity?!

------Forward Message------
From: Wolfe, Jason
Date: Wed Aug 09, 2006 -- 11:45:58 AM
To: bastianm, blackcj, boudreal, boudreat, clevelcc, demeratd, dukesr, glinskir, knechta, shavep, vechinsj, verhagel, zahnj
Subject: Fwd: FW: 40 things

Too funny......

I could really use some of these, and I think I will these next 2 weeks!

Wolfie

------Forward Message------
From: Wolfe, Melissa
Date: Wed Aug 09, 2006 -- 10:14:49 AM
To: bowes, churchsk, crlniemi@hotmail.com, janice.gleisner@roehl.net, kristinar@gsiwc.org, langml, mccaulek, olivarre, truhlarj, wolfej
Subject: Fwd: FW: 40 things

To funny

------Forward Message------
From: Verkilen, Amanda
Date: Wed Aug 09, 2006 -- 09:29:07 AM
To: cablej, churchsk, haukek, rineb, smithjv, suefeltz@northlandstainless.com, tfeltz@abprocess.com, wolfemj
Subject: Fwd: FW: 40 things

------Original Message------
From: "Laurie Jarvenpaa" <LJarvenpaa@1strate.com>
Date: Tue Aug 08, 2006 -- 06:43:55 PM
To: "1st Rate Oshkosh Loan Officers" <OshkoshLoanOfficers@1strate.local>, "Lisa Hoffmann" <LHoffmann@1strate.com>, <verkilen.amanda@marshfieldclinic.org>, <JARVEY61@aol.com>, <stream_8@hotmail.com>, <nursejen05@hotmail.com>, <wenderfamily@earthlink.net>, <drschuh@charter.net>, <dawn.schuh@cobalt-corp.com>, <jschuh@uwsp.edu>, "KJ Kreis " <kjkreis@charter.net>, <LDeffner@schuettemetals.com>, <mkoenig@bankfirstnational.com>, <scottydbennett@bellsouth.net>
Subject: FW: 40 things

40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

10. Ahhhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ....?

24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door ..1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume.....Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

F I U R R R R R R R R R R D A H ! ! !

Honestly, I think I'd have to kill someone to get canned. But whom?

Nah, then they'd have cause and I wouldn't be able to collect unemployment. Crap, even if I could I'd be in prison, sleeping next to Tiny with one eye closed.

Just had a triple espresso from Starbucks. Hope it keeps me --SNOOOORRRRE--...

Cripes! It hurts your neck to bob your head to sleep and then suddenly wake up. Know what I mean?

NHA job in Rib Lake with a subsidiary of Beverly. I applied. Wish me luck.

Put Dad's desk together last night up in the bedroom 'foryer'. Looks nice. Good to have it back, and to have the garage cleared out. Except that, even though I wore a bandanna over my nose and mouth, the black garage dirt still got up my nose. How do I know? Dirty tissues. Plus it tastes horrible... kidding.

Raeqwon

That's a name I learned this weekend, and needed to spell it out to help cement it in my brain.

On Saturday evening I was putzing around with my new umbrella beach chair in the driveway. Once assembled, I sat there thinking I would read Popular Mechanic, but was immediately distracted by a coupla playful neighborhood kids. Before you know it, 94 and 97 were outside and our cosey little cul-du-sac became a playground. What fun!!

Alas, the blue foam boom-a-rang thing got stuck in a tree. An adult neighbor came by to check on the joyful noise and helped get it down with a basketball. Turns out he's the dad of one of the cute kids, Raeqwon. Nice folks. How do I know? Cause I spent a good part of the rest of the night helping them with their computer issues.

I can't tell you how thrilled I was/am to get out an get to know neighbors. Man, Gabe makes the best fresh lemonade, and his three kids are absolutely adorable. His wife is starting to do medical billing from home, and I'm gonna help her learn the comfuzer.

Put up a coupla Packer "G"s, a neat lighthouse, and a smiley face sculpture outside my place to make it look more homey. Hmmmm, nice!

A good weekend!

Irony Board

I find myself awash in irony. 

 

I am late on rent and other bills, but have many thousands of dollars.  To get at these dollars I have to get rid of my job.  I hate my job, so getting rid of it would be a blessing.  I haven't found a new one yet.  I can't quit my job because I don't have an adequate "go to hell" fund.  If I was fired I could collect unemployment and that would be groovy.  They won't fire me because they're... well... incompetant and lazy.  Which is why I hate my job.

 

See the irony here, people?!

 

This has just got to be worth a good laugh when I'm through it.

 

Right?

 

Rules

Short rant about rules:

1. Rules are abstractions. They don't allow for learning directly about cause and effect. Therefore they're only good in extreme situations. Of course you're going to have a rule that says "No smoking in the gasoline storage shed". You don't want anyone finding out why the hard way. But, rules that, when broken, do not cause loss of life or limb, are stupid. The further from harm you get, in fact, the more ridiculous rules become.

2. Rules are really tricky. You have to write them very thoroughly. "No smoking" doesn't say "No lighting fire crackers", right? If you wrote down every single thing that would cause an explosion, nobody would read the rules. If you simply state "avoid ignition", some people may not understand. In fact, they'll probably light up a smoke to think about it...

3. Teach people, and let them make mistakes. That's how we learn. Consequences.

Just keep the rules reasonable, folks. Otherwise they're meaningless. Read a legal disclaimer after a car commercial some time and you'll see.

Kindergarten

Whew, I'm really glad I didn't post the rant I had all written out yesterday. That would have been a mistake. Rage sucks. Left over brainstem stuff, I know, but man it sucks hard.

Yesterday I sought help from my boss. He shut me down totally. Game over. I was thunder struck, and I totally didn't expect the lack of humanity. So I bring you...

Adversity

(when life shits on your plate)

Get a new plate. Don't wail and piss and moan alot, because nobody's going to care much.

It's like sitting down to a game of checkers with a new opponent. You both have played checkers before so you know the rules. But, on his first move, your opponent moves from a black to a red square. You call him on it, but he just looks at you blankly and says "your turn". Stunned and a bit angry, you follow suit. Next, your opponent moves his piece two squares instead of one. Now you're on to him. So you move two squares. In fact, maybe you throw in your own rule change and start putting your pieces back on the board when you land on red squares. That'll show him. Right? Ummm...

Okay, now you're not playing checkers any more are you? Now you're playing a game with no rules and so nobody can really win, and we all know how that games ends. You both end up screaming that you won, and maybe punch each other. Just like kindergarten. Then it's milk time. Very mature.

See, your only real option here is to calmly get up and find a different person to play with. True, this jackass just wasted your recess, but that's life. Sticking it out is even more unpleasent. Escalating the situation won't make you happy. And you know it. Tell the teacher? Sure, but you know what they say about tattle-tails...

Move on. Go have your milk and get your mat out and lie down and take a nap. Screw the psycho checker bully.

Creepy Math Puzzle

1. GRAB A CALCULATOR. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD).
2. KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE).
3. MULTIPLY BY 80.
4. ADD 1.
5. MULTIPLY BY 250.
6. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
7. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN!
8. SUBTRACT 250.
9. DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2.

DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE ANSWER?

Get a Part-Time Job

NOTE: This is an email I sent myself on July 31st, after a talk with... "someone":

This one burns. White hot. You know, the feeling that you've actually been flash-frozen it's so hot? Yeah, that's how this burns.

Unfortunately, I don't have a prophetic monologue in mind for the way I have just been treated, so let me descibe it to you. Then maybe I'll gain the clarity of mind to approach the situation positively.

I just trusted "someone" enough to confide in him that, through the sickness of my kids' mother, my mom's hospitalization, and my own brush with the grim reaper, I have been left financially weakened. I asked if it were possible to cut my commuting expenses by working from one of the five locations we have closer to my home. This would probably save me about $70 a week in gas.

The answer was nearly instantaneous and was preceeded by no words of understanding: "No, I don't see how that's possible." He said it with no regret, no empathy. In fact, if I were to assign an emotion to his rapid-fire response, it would have to be self-satisfaction. That was it. No discussion. Game over.

Now, really, I wasn't expecting a gush of warm, touchy-feely support. But I thought there would be at least an attempt to appear concerned.

"Maybe you should get a part time job to help." WTF?!?!?! Right, work 45 hours a week here, plus 10 more hours of commuting, and then go back and work part time?! Okay, sure, maybe I could get a job KICKING YOUR SICK, CLUELESS ASS!! Shit, I'd do that job for free!

About an hour later, "someone" suggests that I contact Employee Assistance to help. I informed him that I've already enlisted they're "top notch" help, so he just shruged and walked away.

Okay, I said a prayer, took a moment to cool-off, and all of that. But I am still so royally pissed that I could just walk the fuck out of here right now.

I work under conditions (heavy edit) that are truly sick. I mean gangrenously, pustulently, cancerously, toxically, virulently, violently ill. I need to recognize this and move on. I will.

How does this emotional rape make me feel? Unwanted, unworthy, weak, pathetic, sad, disappointed, angry, and vengeful. Every single fucked-up emotion I could feel -- all at once.

It

Just a very rough draft. Not done yet. Patience.

None of what you are about to read makes any sense if you're in a hurry. Or if your mad. Go away and get over it first.

Little fish. Remember, there's nothing you can do about the time before you arrived. Alot of good meaning people and grace survived and got you here in the first place. You're standing on their shoulders and most of the time that pressure you feel is them propelling you forward. Take it and go with it. You don't deserve it. It simply is. Make good choices. Do what's right. Every day, even the small stuff people don't notice. Steal if you have to, but always pay back and then some. Sometimes the ends DO justify the means, but when the means include deceit, theft, lies, mistruths or other shenanigans, they usually don't.

No, you did not ask to be born. Yes, you can kill yourself. BUT -- think of the other people who love you -- they didn't ask to be born either. Still, if you decide to go, then go. It's not good or bad. It just is. But what a shame.

You are a rubber band. How big you are and how strong are not your choice. You can be stretched to store potential energy and that energy can be released later. The energy can be used for good or evil, it's your choice. Oh, you could also just stay in the dark drawer with the other rubber bands. No energy, no potential, no moment of release, no thrill of effect. No difference. Again, maybe it's not a great choice, but it beats the heck out of becoming a terrorist.

You are constantly expanding to fill the voids around you, and the voids will never be full. But, when you expand too quickly, you can break like an anurism. Stretch carefully and in a controlled way until you reach a new limit and then stop and reflect. "Was this stretch for good or evil" ask yourself. Repeat. Question the limit.

Every single 'thing' in your life is a continuum. A range. Low to high, soft to loud, like that. You are plunked down more or less in the middle of the continua, it's your job to keep between the lines. There will be highs and lows. Be steady. But don't over react.

You are built to test limits, not to follow rules. You are a sports car. You are moving very fast. You need instruments you can trust to help you to navigate. Unfortunately there are none. You have to make them. Try judging your success ONLY by whether your actions result in good or bad outcomes. Feedback you get from so-called 'objective measures' of success in life (pay, position, praise, power) is often too contradictory to get a good read on where you are or how you're doing. You'll get much better feedback listening to your heart. Fly by feel. Know what's right. Stretch when you hit a boundry that doesn't feel right. Stop or slow down when it gets scary, not just when you 'see' an obstacle. Why? Because it is often either 1) your imperfect senses giving you messed-up messages, or 2) 'society' being really screwed up as usual (think Enron).

Rules. Don't get me started.

God gave you Gut. Use it. Gut, gut, gut.

Your eyes can deceive you.

Your ears can hear things you make up.

Wrote processing of thought by blindly applying 'rules' is extremely dangerous: like Auschwitz and the Reich. Don't force the literal. It's a sign of mental fatigue that can lead to subjugation.

You are the rubber band. You decide when to stretch and when to release. All the crap setup around you is not in your control, but your response to it is.

Oh yeah, all of the beauty, magic, and miracle you see around you are also out of your control, but you have to power to appreciate it and be thankful. Do it. It's never wrong. Even when it's a beautiful woman/man whom you'll never get, but would take in a heartbeat. It's okay to be attracted. It's not okay to be a letch.

Keep giving. If you don't have money, give a shit. It means more anyway, believe me. Open doors. Hug. Use terms of endearment. Tease lovingly. Talk to the cash register dude. Make eye contact. Share. Give. Remember. Pay attention. Give. Love.

Society, bad friends, drugs, bad rearing, and disease can blur your sense of what's right and what's wrong -- even before you know it to begin with. Once you get it, keep it and never waver. Remember, we all die. Better to die for what's right than to live another day having compromised what's right.

Knowing this, also realize that you will do wrong. Alot. Even on purpose sometimes. It all becomes part of the past. Learn from it. That's all you can do. Let it hurt when you err, but don't kill yourself over it. God made you. He wants you to be happy. You'll only be happy if you do right. You'll only do right if you take chances. You can't take chances when your dead.

No wrong you can do can condemn you. No good you can do can earn you redemption. Again, you were already going blindingly fast when you got here.

You can't know what comes after this life. Nobody can. Not a Priest, Judge, or President. But don't quit trying to figure it out -- the mind loves a puzzle.

Man plans, God laughs, but not because it's funny -- he just knows the final score and outcome. Ha ha.

Don't do evil even if it's "deserved" (whatever that means). Hitler was not an evil person -- but he did killed and maimed because he couldn't let go of the evil others had done to him. Plus he had crazies around him who also supported him and his messed-up priorities. I truly believe he was sorry just before he died. Remember: Revenge hurts the avenger, too. Alot. And it never works.

Try not to judge others. You have too much on your own plate. It's like driving off a cliff because you let go of the wheel to point at another driver's mistake. Let it go. Worry about you.

Getting drunk, acting stupid, gambling, looking at porn, smoking, and all those other vices do have their place. But really, they should be entertainment only. Don't get caught up or addicted.

You were born going 80 miles an hour down a crowded freeway. You neither chose nor have any idea where you're going at first -- nobody does. Honestly, neither did your mom and dad when they had you, probably. All those friendly faces can teach you to drive, but starting the instant you can reach the pedals and steering wheel, the ride's yours. Don't scream and cover your eyes. There's no time. Follow the rules, don't wreck. Change lanes, take exits, change direction. Site see. Pick a new destination.

My Baby's NINE!

No Toe Nail

Free the toes!

God Wrote "Office Space"

Hey Teken, how's it goin...yeah, so, did you get the memo about the new cover letter for the TPS reports? Yeah, well I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and, ah,...

If you'd like to see a snapshot in my daily work life, just see the movie "Office Space". I am Peter. And I'm at the part of the movie where every day is my worst day. I haven't seen the occupational hypnotherapist yet.

My team leader uses a non-standard Red Swingline Stapler. Says it doesn't bind up like the Stanley Bostitch. I shit you not.

But is it really good to be a gangsta?

I'll get back to you...

Family Nuggets

1. My Uncle D.S. had a lover who left him a ton of money. He divorced my aunt (Mom's side) and left her with almost nothing.

2. My Uncle K.F. (Mom's side) was a grifter who died in his sleep from insulin and sleeping pills. He, his wife, and kids (gorgious, I just met them a couple of years ago) had to leave Colorado after just opening all of their Christmas gifts one year.

3. My Aunt C.B.'s husband's Mom shot her pregnant daughter and herself to death in the house across from our cottage (back in the 1950s I think).

4. I still have the most unbelievable crushes on my two cousins D.B. and J.B.. Shame shame shame!

Things I Learned in Green Bay

1. You can taste insincerity in a hospital, which is why hospital food sometimes tastes really bad
1. Bring extra underwear because you'll probably stay longer than you planned
2. Don't sniff your underwear on the third wearing -- trust me, it stinks
2. Eat something before you get there because although the meal you get when you arrive will be delicious, you will wait
2. Rock Star 16-ouncers don't count as food
2. My name is Bendillonmark
6. My nephews are named after me
3. Massively Multi-player Role-playing Games are really pretty cool
4. You can go to bed when the sun rises, too
Z. You can survive an almost unlimited number of falls off of a conversational change of subject cliff as long as you pay attention
5. TV wrestling is a vahgeen HOOOOT!!
8. 2 year olds have special laser eye beams that bore holes in your heart and fill them with love
6. Guacamole turns baby poop brown if left out for a couple of hours
7. Baby poop brown guacamole tastes good
5. Zen loves to ride in the back of a gray Mustang convertible going down the freeway at 90 miles an hour on a 100 degree afternoon
0. If you find yourself reclining with Zen in the aforementioned convertible, don't wear a hat or sunglasses, and don't open your mouth or you'll lose a filling
8. Earwigs are nasty
Q. You will always pack things you don't need, even if you don't pack
1. You will always forget to pack that thing you need, even if you hire a vacation planner
4. Neither "Q." nor "1." above have any bearing on the quality of your experience, so chill
7. The "shaving cream in the hand, tickle the nose" trick really does work quite well
04. Newer Bun coffee makers only start brewing after you close the water lid thingy
9. Being randomly weird with your sister and nephews is startlingly cathartic
?. If you back up down a street, people will point at you
3. Ridiculing people who just pointed at you is fun, but only if you're with people
10. Wisdom plays a wicked game of hide-and-seek, but you can end up rolling on the floor laughing if you play along

Family Rocks

Y'all should know that one's own family really rocks. Yup, there's no better way to regain the sense of what you're all about than to spend a few days with your blood.

Just take Baird to Hastings (just before the viaduct) and your head will swing back on straight.

Thank you, big Sis, for putting up with me. Ben and Dillon, I wish you both a lifetime of unharsh. Baby Abby -- don't get P.O.'d!

Toe Truck Teken

Vahgeen Azzle says: When moving a big, overstuffed lounge chair, it is a good idea to wear shoes. Why? Because it is possible to pull the big, heavy chair backwards over your foot, but not quite make it over the foot. Then the toenail on your big toe gets ripped nearly off and you will experience discomfort. When I say "discomfort", what I mean is eye-watering, can't-breathe, dog whistle scream, multiple-expletive PAIIIIIIINNNNN!!!! Oh, then there's the blood. Anyways, when moving heavy things, remember: shoes good, bare feet bad.

Teken: Vahgeen Azzle

So, I just spent the last three days and nights in Green Bay with Mom in intensive care. She was nearly dead. But some long hours, and a game or five of "inflated non-latex glove volleyball" later, she's getting better. Whew.

Anyway, so I get back to Wausau and go visit my kids, whom I missed and hugged furiously. Played together from about 6pm to about 9 or so. Later, I get a call from X asking where I am. "Home", I say, 'cause that's where I was. See, it seems that she didn't get home until around ten last night, so the kids were alone for about an hour. At 9 and 12 years old, they're home most days alone while X is at work.

But noooooooooo, after their hour alone I get a call from what sounds like a drunk, angry hornet. When I tried to reason with her and find out why she was swearing at me, I got a very concise answer: "Bucuzzz yer a Vahgeen Azzle!". Despite the slur and the abruptly ensuing hang-up, I got the translation.

Well there you have it. I bend over backwards to make our divorce as friendly and comfortable for the kids and her as possible. In fact, I'm going bankrupt doing it. She's living in a huge condo with cathedral ceilings and art prints while I'm -- well, not. But I'm a vahgeen azzle.

Super.