PEEEEEEEKABOOOOOOOOOO!

Alright, fine. I haven't posted in a week. I'm still here. I just had to get something out of my system.

94 turned 11 last week, and her birthday party was yesterday at the local skating place. It was heart-achingly fascinating watching how independent she is. She's so thoughtful and vibrant. She has so many friends. Wow.

97 was alot of fun at the skating place. She loves the camera, and I spent an hour taping the party. OH! And she lost another tooth! Tooth Fairy came through again. Seems a buck isn't what it used to be, though, as I detected a vailed complaint about how the paultry sum must have been because "it was just a small bottom tooth". Hmmm...

Zitboy

Ah, the weekend. Time to relax. Unwind. Time to sprout odd facial deformities. Huh?

I awoke Saturday to twin zits on the corner of my mouth. I'm 41 years old for Christ's sake! I've got my kids calling me "Zitboy" now. Ankle-biting ingrates.

Oh, and this low-fat, high-fiber crap is really a pox on my happiness. Bacon is a tradition on weekend mornings around here, and I had a total of three pieces. Three in two days. Do you know how good a sausage egg and cheese biscuit would taste for breakfast tomorrow? Do you?!

We had Papa Murphy's pizza for supper last night, though. Talk about a heavenly indulgence! It was magic. The smell alone, however, raised my triglys by 100 or so points (or whatever measurement system they use).

Good weekend altogether, though. 94 is camping at the school forest Monday through Wednesday, and she is just jazzed. We drove by the camp so she could see the buildings. We played "school forest trivia" all the way home.

Saturday, 97 went to a birthday party, so I had cherised 94/Dad time!! We malled and got 94 a disposable camera for camping. It was fun.

Today's mass was lead by two missionaries. It was quite good. The choir was awesome. First time I've heard them and I've been attending for two years. Got me thinking about joining, but that would mean choiring instead of being with the kids. Hmmm... What do you think?

Motor Excess

If the world were just, I would be skinny. Of course, I've always thought that, but now I have scientific proof.

I've been a percussionist since 6th grade. I did 4 years in drum corps, played professionally in two orchestras, and attended a prestigious conservatory. This means that, in my daily life, I am constantly, incessantly drumming. On my legs, steering wheel, keyboard tray, whatever. I even keep drum sticks at work. It annoys the hell out of just about anybody with whom I become comfortable enough to do it (everyone). Except other drummers, who seem compelled to join in, and we jam.

Also, my legs quite often piston up and down on their own, unbeknownst to me until someone shoots ocular arrows at me or whacks my leg, or both. Hey, gotta keep the calf muscles toned for the bass drum and hi-hat!

Finally, I'm always chewing gum. My temporal/mandibular muscles are huge.

Now, according to the Post article I should be a lean, mean, annoying machine. So why am I fat, fat, fat? I mean, how could a few double quarter pounders with cheese, a six pack, and a completely sedentary job POSSIBLY compete with my superior fidgeticity? It's wrong, I tell you!

There's gotta be someone I can sue.

Worms for Bear

Very early yesterday morning, after a sleepless night, I had a very odd-but-vivid dream. Executive summary:

1) Installing big scanner at Weston clinic
2) Nowhere to put it
3) Amish patients in waiting rooms, amongst continued construction
4) Huge safety problems
5) Frustration reporting number 4 above
6) Scene transition to Lake Winnebago
7) Altercation with bear during another scene transition to a mall
8) Bear and I communicate
9) Bear wants worms
10) I get bear worms and then I wake up

Welcome to my subconscious mind. What would

The Well Seasoned Cow

The last couple of evenings have been joyously vegitative. Or perhaps carnivorous, since I've been feasting on beef tenderloins for supper with a smooth Merlot.

Yes, Festival had a sale on near-expiration tenderloins again. I couldn't resist. Nature's Seasonings is the best stuff. For those of you who don't know, Nature's Seasons is a blend of salt, pepper, and garlic predominantly. Steak made with a generous sprinkling of the stuff (on both sides) tastes like, well, home.

What did I learn on the Apprentice yesterday? That goofy, guitar-playing hippies get fired early. I also learned that I watch the show to see these addle-brained half-wits stumble and bumble along. I find the back-biting rather intriguing too, in a "driving slowly by the accident scene" kind of way.

Sleep With One Eye Open

I've had high blood pressure since I was 17. No one is sure why. I was fit and healthy otherwise, go figure.

Today was my annual physical. We had a long talk about my risk factors, lab tests, and all that other mumbo-jumbo. I find it acutely humbling to sit in a 4x6' exam room talking about these things, waiting for the obligatory lecture about diet and exercise.

However, there's reason for joy and celebration: Today was my first prostate check! WOOOOOOOOOT!! What a freakin' slice of juicy fresh heaven that was! If I didn't know better, I'd expect to meet my doctor going back to prison after work release. Well, I'm her bee-ahtch now, oh boy!

Doc changed my hypertension meds again because my pressure was 150/100. Given my erratic and inexplicable history, it's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, though.

I also got religion about my lipids. I won't bore you, but Doc says when they were doing my blood work they noticed fat cells shaped suspiciously like a certain set of "Golden Arches" floating by. Not good. I shall learn to like oat meal and Cheerios. Alot. And I shall shun tastiness. Who needs comfort foods anyway? Yeah, I'll be like a one-man parade of prandial purity (sorry, didn't mean to spit).

Who am I kidding?

Bumsen!

I was plagued with peeves during my 500 foot trip back home. Now, that's pretty incredible for such a wee walk.

Peeve 1: Snow removal. The apartment parking lot and sidewalk are variably covered with snow and ice. This makes walking more of an adventure, sure, but I don't EVER feel particularly adventurous at night after a long day of surfing the net work. EVER.

Peeve 2: Note for FEDEX. I carefully posted a note for the FedEx guy to deliver a package I was expecting to my neighbor. It was grammatically correct and contained no profanity (unless you skipped every other letter, hee hee). When I went in the front door it was gone. I almost posted another note saying "Leave my notes the FUCK alone!", but I'm a coward. Grrrrr.

Peeve 3: State tax refund. It came in the form of a paper check when I specified direct deposit. DAMMIT! I hate paper! I'm a paperphobe, or is that a celluphobe or wastingpreciousnaturalresourcesandtotallywastingmytimeophobe?

Peeve 4: Overturned bathroom garbage. Given the look on his face and his cowering, I'm sure Howdy would have undone it if he could have. I know all sorts of interesting, crackly, smelly things go in the bathroom garbage, but why must he be such a snoop? What if I filled the garbage bin with water one morning before I left? I'll tell you what: I'd be mopping up a floor full of water when I got home.

I know these are small things, but stack them all on top of one another over 5 minutes after work, and I feel the need for a fistfull of prozac and a water glass full of vodka. Instead, I worked some more on my computer, which isn't AT ALL frustrating, expecially when I spontaneously loose sound and video. And what's really not infuriating is when I try to record a show and my clock is set for the wrong time zone.

Wash, Record, Complete

Happy birthday to me!

The girls let me sleep late. Really late. We're talking 10 o'clock here. They get all my money when I go.

After a quick trip to the mall, we went and got the car washed. I introduced 94 to my miniDV and she used it to call the play-by-play. Multi-colored foam, big blow dryers, awesome! Conclusion: the girls fight too much. The tape reveals way too much bickering. And I play right into it, refereeing and getting generally iritated.

"Hi, I'm 97, and I'm beautiful!"

"No you're not"

Followed by hair pulling, kicking, and words like poop-brain and stupid-dummy.

Great.

I'm trying to work on it by turning around in the car and yelling "what's the problem, knock it off". Wow, that's great stuff.

The girls are in love with Dundee. Both at the same time. Who's Dundee? There you go with the questions again! Dundee is a Beanie Baby dog. He's now my desktop wallpaper. You see, he was at the Tea Shop, but today he was gone. Of course the internet to the rescue. Now the girls want to chip in to order one. Or two.

Bed Time Ritual

For years, 97's bed time ritual has been to say good night with this:

"Love you, won't let the bed bugs bite, promise, cross my heart won't break that promise promise promise."

I can't believe I haven't written this down until now. It is the cutest thing. Of course, when it comes out it sounds more like:

"loveyouwontletthebedbugsbitpromisecrossmyheartwontbreakthatpromisepromisepromise"

This is usually followed by a rousing version of:

Me: Good Night
94: Sleep Tight
97: Dream of bed bugs tonight

Fine, that last part is not original, I know, because I think it comes from Lion King 1 1/2.

I Dream of Teeny

I have average sized hands. My fingers are a bit stubby, but all-in-all I'm fairly dextrous. I can play the piano, type, and sew the occaisonal button fluently.

Why am I telling you this? Because last night I assembled a computer. So what, you query? First of all, quit asking so many dang questions, I'm getting there. Secondly, do you realize how ill-fitted the phalanges of the white anglo-saxon are for this task?

We're talking about a very humbling process here. Imagine trying to milk one of those really teeny-tiny cows I sometime see on my shoulder. That's how trying this was.

Oh, and do you know they're making Pentium 4 processors powered by uranium now? And video cards that require their own dedicated substation? Yup, and I got me one of each! Hope the neighbors don't mind their lights dimming when I shoot the bad guys.

Software comes in boxes, right? So when you are frantically searching for the DVD drive and you can't find it and then you give up and then later you unwrap your Windows XP "box", you don't expect to find the DVD drive in the same bubble wrap, do you? No, I didn't think so.

Right, oh, and I also found out what happens to missing socks. They get recycled into all sorts of funky looking leftover cables, bits, and bobs. Then they sit in your desk drawer waiting patiently to be needed, at which time they promptly disappear.

FAIR WARNING (like you really care)

Saturday is my 41st birthday. I will have been alive nearly 15,000 days. Or 359,160 hours. Or 21,549,600 minutes. Or about 1.2 billion seconds.

Girls: when I was your age:

There was no cable TV

There was no internet

There were no computers as you know them

We believed some of our politicians

There were no microwaves

We had no water, so we melted ice

There were no video games

Dinosaurs roamed the earth

I demand your well wishes. You may comment them to me here on this entry. Now. C'mon, hurry it up already! ...um... please?

Ad Enoid Her, So Out They Came!

Hope there's an award for the lamest entry title, 'cause I think I just clinched it.

97 had her adenoids taken out yesterday. Surgery and after stuff went well. Thank God. No, really God, thank you thank you thank you!

Pieces of my new PC began trickling in yesterday. Got the monitor and speakers. Of course I had to do a quality check on the stuff, so I connected them to my laptop. Ho! No way! My windows desktop is now about an acre at 1278 x 1024 resolution, and I've never had a speaker system so nice. Played some music, and a few games of NFSHP2 for good measure. Awesome! Can't wait for the rest of the stuff.

Oh, got the case too. WTF! This thing is a monster.

Why must I fast for 14 hours before routine blood work? Why oh why?! I think it is secretly just a running joke among doctors. "Hey, let's make our patients really sacrifice for their health care! Heh heh heh." Not funny.

Oh, and thank you very much, Burger King, for deciding I needed a BACON, egg, and cheese biscuit to break my 15 hour fast, rather than the SAUSAGE, egg, and cheese biscuit I actually ordered. Boneheads. In the immortal words of Johnny Carson: "If you want it your way, cook it yourself!"

Blinky Nose

Yesterday the kids and I went malling. Bought a cool Spongebob calendar at Waldenbooks. Then we found a dollar store. The girls have neat mood rings. Me? Yup, I had to have the magnetic flashing thing you can stick to your thinner body parts.

Now, the magnet on this thing is amazingly strong. I wore it in my nose in the mall for a bit and got a few laughs. You see, I was dressed in my Packers leather jacket and hat, so the frenetically flashy nose jewelry seemed amusingly out of place. Then I offered it to the girls, who anxiously accepted, until I reminded them of its most recent home. Then it was all ewwws and, like, Daaaaaaaaaaad!!

Today we hung around, taunted the cats, went to church, and watched a hilarious cat video.

Burnt Pocket

I am a raging impulse buyer, I admit it. Dammit, it's my tax return and I NEEDED a top of the line PC. Don't worry I won't over-geek you all right now, but let's just say that this is the Airbus of comfusers. Newegg rules!

Wow, I've spent so much time shopping for confusers, I haven't posted for a few days. Dammit, it's my time and I NEEDED... oh WTF, never mind.

I endured the season premier of American Idol on Tuesday. What possible pleasure could a person get from watching "adults" alternately degrading themselves and being humiliated by a pompous Brit?! Please never ask me to explain why I would voluntarily allow most every sensibility I posses to be assaulted. I frankly don't know. Maybe I'll tune in nearer the finals.

Alias was pretty good last night Jennifer Garner. Solid must have her plot and good Jennifer Garner character developjennifergarnerment. How heartening to have one marry me show Jennifer Garner on telejennifergarnervision that bespeaks the proud cinematic and prosaic traditions of sublime packing wood theater Jennifer Garner.

Tonight I'll finally get to watch the rest of Twin Towers. Yay!!

Thank you Woodge for the Gmail invite. Oh, and I highly suggest a visit to his site. He's kind of a pseudo-intellect-snob-wannabe (in a nice way), but I find his blog tres entertaining.

As a result of Woodge's generosity, I have a few Gmail invites available. If you're interested, let me know. Wow, there really are benefits from reading this blog!

I also really want to point you to zefrank.com. There is just a ton of fun stuff to try, and loads of zany flash stuff to watch. Don't be afraid, he hasn't bitten yet.

Adieu.

Supercooled Swimwear

As we prepared for church yesterday, the girls wondered where the brush was. After some furtive searching, I happened to see that the shampoo was gone too. Then it hit me. We left our gym bags in the car overnight.

Now, in a temperate climate, this would have been no big deal. Go out to the car and get the stuff. However, since temperatures here have been below zero for the past 3 days, this was going to be interesting.

I went out to get the stuff and start the car. When I stepped outside I heard a gasping sound punctuated by crackling. My lungs had frozen solid. At least I thought so until I heard a hoarse profanity echo off the school wall across the street. Nothing like sweariness to warm the lungs.

Started the car and opened the trunk and grabbed the bags. Did the penguin walk back to the back door (still icey) and lunged back inside. Then I noticed that the bags were very stiff. Got back upstairs and plopped them on my bed.

The hair brush, shampoo, and conditioner were frozen convincingly to the towels. Tight. After a tug of war we were able to free them. There was no way we were going to unroll the towels though. I just threw them into the bath tub to thaw.

After dropping the girls off yesterday, I bought a stereo for the car from Best Buy. $89 with free install. It'll be nice to have my tunes back.

Actually made it through Lord of the Rings - the Fellowship of the Ring last night. I honestly enjoyed it. I had tried this movie once before and just couldn't keep interested. It took some concentration, but this was a good movie. Guess I'll follow-up with Two Towers and Return of the King.

Cats, Cheese, and Swimming

The kids and I drove to the Clark County Humane Association to view their Kitty City, a room with about 20 cats for us to play with. Here's us with the cats.

Then we stopped by the Lynn Dairy, where we bought some yummy, fresh cheese curds.

After a quick stop for lunch at Mickey D's, we swam at the Y.

On the way home I picked up a new dresser and spent the evening assembling it. I rather like it.

Tooth Fairy

97 lost a top front tooth today. And then she truly lost the tooth. What to do? Why, just jot the Tooth Fairy (TF) a note explaining the matter. Sorted.

Actually, she was quite upset about it. After all, how will the TF find me and will she believe the tragic story?

Big Sis to the rescue. Thus, the Tooth Fairy Method, according to 94:

1) TF has a giant tooth map, which shows all people's mouths, everywhere
2) Said map is color coded, with different tooth stati showing in different colors
3) Using the map, TF has unequivocal evidence of 97's tragedy
4) I guess TF points to the mouth on the map and, ZAP, she is transformed into vapor to remain undetected, floats into the room, takes the tooth, leaves appropriate compensation, points to home on the map, and...
5) ZOOOM! TF is teleported directly back to TF land

According to 94, she's sure about this because, after all, she's had 10 years to figure it out.

Love love love love!

Waking Dream

Don't you love those dreams you have where you can control the action?

As I drifted off last night I had the most wonderful dream. I can't possibly describe it here because you know how nonsensical dreams can be. It involved me at a much younger age offering aid to a girl I guess I knew. We fell madly in love. All in about 5 seconds. It left me with a feeling of such hope and peace because I've actually had those experiences, though not the same circumstances. I'm very blessed.

Unfortunately I woke back up too soon, and couldn't return to that place. That's okay though, because the memory remains. Rare with me and dreams.

Also, the dream affected me so that I couldn't return to sleep. I got up and puttered about and went back to bed at about midnight, then lie awake thinking until about 2:30.

What did I think about? You know, I'm only 40 (and still get carded buying beer): I could shape up a bit and be quite the stud. These past two years since the divorce I've had absolutely no desire to do that. Until now.

Hmmm...

The Force

Divorce really sucks. What came before it was worse. Therefore I am fortunate. So are my children.

Good Boy?

Howdy is really a dog, methinks.

Sure, he's got cute cat ears, a long cat tail, and poops in a litterbox, but I think it's all just an act.

Lately he has needed to scream (bark) at me from the second I come home. Until I sit down. Then he needs to be up on my lap. Then he brings me things and wants to play "fetch". We finish the day with him curled up beside me in bed.

Now I've had a dog before. He was a Westie, so I know whereof I speak. Wait, upon reflection I suspect he was a fuzzy lightening ball who scratched at the patio window at 4 a.m.. No, he was definitely a dog. Maybe.

Anyway I loved that dog, but I didn't purposely adopt one from the Humane Society when I picked up Howdy. No, I'm looking at his papers right now, and they say "Male, neutered, tabby CAT". In black and white, no less, right in the middle of the coffee ring, as if for added emphasis.

This raises a boatload of issues: Do I have to take him for walks? Should I buy Dog Chow? Crap! My lease doesn't allow for dogs!!

Fellow bloggers, I'm at whit's end. Can anyone help?