Rules

Short rant about rules:

1. Rules are abstractions. They don't allow for learning directly about cause and effect. Therefore they're only good in extreme situations. Of course you're going to have a rule that says "No smoking in the gasoline storage shed". You don't want anyone finding out why the hard way. But, rules that, when broken, do not cause loss of life or limb, are stupid. The further from harm you get, in fact, the more ridiculous rules become.

2. Rules are really tricky. You have to write them very thoroughly. "No smoking" doesn't say "No lighting fire crackers", right? If you wrote down every single thing that would cause an explosion, nobody would read the rules. If you simply state "avoid ignition", some people may not understand. In fact, they'll probably light up a smoke to think about it...

3. Teach people, and let them make mistakes. That's how we learn. Consequences.

Just keep the rules reasonable, folks. Otherwise they're meaningless. Read a legal disclaimer after a car commercial some time and you'll see.

Kindergarten

Whew, I'm really glad I didn't post the rant I had all written out yesterday. That would have been a mistake. Rage sucks. Left over brainstem stuff, I know, but man it sucks hard.

Yesterday I sought help from my boss. He shut me down totally. Game over. I was thunder struck, and I totally didn't expect the lack of humanity. So I bring you...

Adversity

(when life shits on your plate)

Get a new plate. Don't wail and piss and moan alot, because nobody's going to care much.

It's like sitting down to a game of checkers with a new opponent. You both have played checkers before so you know the rules. But, on his first move, your opponent moves from a black to a red square. You call him on it, but he just looks at you blankly and says "your turn". Stunned and a bit angry, you follow suit. Next, your opponent moves his piece two squares instead of one. Now you're on to him. So you move two squares. In fact, maybe you throw in your own rule change and start putting your pieces back on the board when you land on red squares. That'll show him. Right? Ummm...

Okay, now you're not playing checkers any more are you? Now you're playing a game with no rules and so nobody can really win, and we all know how that games ends. You both end up screaming that you won, and maybe punch each other. Just like kindergarten. Then it's milk time. Very mature.

See, your only real option here is to calmly get up and find a different person to play with. True, this jackass just wasted your recess, but that's life. Sticking it out is even more unpleasent. Escalating the situation won't make you happy. And you know it. Tell the teacher? Sure, but you know what they say about tattle-tails...

Move on. Go have your milk and get your mat out and lie down and take a nap. Screw the psycho checker bully.

Creepy Math Puzzle

1. GRAB A CALCULATOR. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD).
2. KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE).
3. MULTIPLY BY 80.
4. ADD 1.
5. MULTIPLY BY 250.
6. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
7. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN!
8. SUBTRACT 250.
9. DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2.

DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE ANSWER?

Get a Part-Time Job

NOTE: This is an email I sent myself on July 31st, after a talk with... "someone":

This one burns. White hot. You know, the feeling that you've actually been flash-frozen it's so hot? Yeah, that's how this burns.

Unfortunately, I don't have a prophetic monologue in mind for the way I have just been treated, so let me descibe it to you. Then maybe I'll gain the clarity of mind to approach the situation positively.

I just trusted "someone" enough to confide in him that, through the sickness of my kids' mother, my mom's hospitalization, and my own brush with the grim reaper, I have been left financially weakened. I asked if it were possible to cut my commuting expenses by working from one of the five locations we have closer to my home. This would probably save me about $70 a week in gas.

The answer was nearly instantaneous and was preceeded by no words of understanding: "No, I don't see how that's possible." He said it with no regret, no empathy. In fact, if I were to assign an emotion to his rapid-fire response, it would have to be self-satisfaction. That was it. No discussion. Game over.

Now, really, I wasn't expecting a gush of warm, touchy-feely support. But I thought there would be at least an attempt to appear concerned.

"Maybe you should get a part time job to help." WTF?!?!?! Right, work 45 hours a week here, plus 10 more hours of commuting, and then go back and work part time?! Okay, sure, maybe I could get a job KICKING YOUR SICK, CLUELESS ASS!! Shit, I'd do that job for free!

About an hour later, "someone" suggests that I contact Employee Assistance to help. I informed him that I've already enlisted they're "top notch" help, so he just shruged and walked away.

Okay, I said a prayer, took a moment to cool-off, and all of that. But I am still so royally pissed that I could just walk the fuck out of here right now.

I work under conditions (heavy edit) that are truly sick. I mean gangrenously, pustulently, cancerously, toxically, virulently, violently ill. I need to recognize this and move on. I will.

How does this emotional rape make me feel? Unwanted, unworthy, weak, pathetic, sad, disappointed, angry, and vengeful. Every single fucked-up emotion I could feel -- all at once.

It

Just a very rough draft. Not done yet. Patience.

None of what you are about to read makes any sense if you're in a hurry. Or if your mad. Go away and get over it first.

Little fish. Remember, there's nothing you can do about the time before you arrived. Alot of good meaning people and grace survived and got you here in the first place. You're standing on their shoulders and most of the time that pressure you feel is them propelling you forward. Take it and go with it. You don't deserve it. It simply is. Make good choices. Do what's right. Every day, even the small stuff people don't notice. Steal if you have to, but always pay back and then some. Sometimes the ends DO justify the means, but when the means include deceit, theft, lies, mistruths or other shenanigans, they usually don't.

No, you did not ask to be born. Yes, you can kill yourself. BUT -- think of the other people who love you -- they didn't ask to be born either. Still, if you decide to go, then go. It's not good or bad. It just is. But what a shame.

You are a rubber band. How big you are and how strong are not your choice. You can be stretched to store potential energy and that energy can be released later. The energy can be used for good or evil, it's your choice. Oh, you could also just stay in the dark drawer with the other rubber bands. No energy, no potential, no moment of release, no thrill of effect. No difference. Again, maybe it's not a great choice, but it beats the heck out of becoming a terrorist.

You are constantly expanding to fill the voids around you, and the voids will never be full. But, when you expand too quickly, you can break like an anurism. Stretch carefully and in a controlled way until you reach a new limit and then stop and reflect. "Was this stretch for good or evil" ask yourself. Repeat. Question the limit.

Every single 'thing' in your life is a continuum. A range. Low to high, soft to loud, like that. You are plunked down more or less in the middle of the continua, it's your job to keep between the lines. There will be highs and lows. Be steady. But don't over react.

You are built to test limits, not to follow rules. You are a sports car. You are moving very fast. You need instruments you can trust to help you to navigate. Unfortunately there are none. You have to make them. Try judging your success ONLY by whether your actions result in good or bad outcomes. Feedback you get from so-called 'objective measures' of success in life (pay, position, praise, power) is often too contradictory to get a good read on where you are or how you're doing. You'll get much better feedback listening to your heart. Fly by feel. Know what's right. Stretch when you hit a boundry that doesn't feel right. Stop or slow down when it gets scary, not just when you 'see' an obstacle. Why? Because it is often either 1) your imperfect senses giving you messed-up messages, or 2) 'society' being really screwed up as usual (think Enron).

Rules. Don't get me started.

God gave you Gut. Use it. Gut, gut, gut.

Your eyes can deceive you.

Your ears can hear things you make up.

Wrote processing of thought by blindly applying 'rules' is extremely dangerous: like Auschwitz and the Reich. Don't force the literal. It's a sign of mental fatigue that can lead to subjugation.

You are the rubber band. You decide when to stretch and when to release. All the crap setup around you is not in your control, but your response to it is.

Oh yeah, all of the beauty, magic, and miracle you see around you are also out of your control, but you have to power to appreciate it and be thankful. Do it. It's never wrong. Even when it's a beautiful woman/man whom you'll never get, but would take in a heartbeat. It's okay to be attracted. It's not okay to be a letch.

Keep giving. If you don't have money, give a shit. It means more anyway, believe me. Open doors. Hug. Use terms of endearment. Tease lovingly. Talk to the cash register dude. Make eye contact. Share. Give. Remember. Pay attention. Give. Love.

Society, bad friends, drugs, bad rearing, and disease can blur your sense of what's right and what's wrong -- even before you know it to begin with. Once you get it, keep it and never waver. Remember, we all die. Better to die for what's right than to live another day having compromised what's right.

Knowing this, also realize that you will do wrong. Alot. Even on purpose sometimes. It all becomes part of the past. Learn from it. That's all you can do. Let it hurt when you err, but don't kill yourself over it. God made you. He wants you to be happy. You'll only be happy if you do right. You'll only do right if you take chances. You can't take chances when your dead.

No wrong you can do can condemn you. No good you can do can earn you redemption. Again, you were already going blindingly fast when you got here.

You can't know what comes after this life. Nobody can. Not a Priest, Judge, or President. But don't quit trying to figure it out -- the mind loves a puzzle.

Man plans, God laughs, but not because it's funny -- he just knows the final score and outcome. Ha ha.

Don't do evil even if it's "deserved" (whatever that means). Hitler was not an evil person -- but he did killed and maimed because he couldn't let go of the evil others had done to him. Plus he had crazies around him who also supported him and his messed-up priorities. I truly believe he was sorry just before he died. Remember: Revenge hurts the avenger, too. Alot. And it never works.

Try not to judge others. You have too much on your own plate. It's like driving off a cliff because you let go of the wheel to point at another driver's mistake. Let it go. Worry about you.

Getting drunk, acting stupid, gambling, looking at porn, smoking, and all those other vices do have their place. But really, they should be entertainment only. Don't get caught up or addicted.

You were born going 80 miles an hour down a crowded freeway. You neither chose nor have any idea where you're going at first -- nobody does. Honestly, neither did your mom and dad when they had you, probably. All those friendly faces can teach you to drive, but starting the instant you can reach the pedals and steering wheel, the ride's yours. Don't scream and cover your eyes. There's no time. Follow the rules, don't wreck. Change lanes, take exits, change direction. Site see. Pick a new destination.

My Baby's NINE!

No Toe Nail

Free the toes!

God Wrote "Office Space"

Hey Teken, how's it goin...yeah, so, did you get the memo about the new cover letter for the TPS reports? Yeah, well I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and, ah,...

If you'd like to see a snapshot in my daily work life, just see the movie "Office Space". I am Peter. And I'm at the part of the movie where every day is my worst day. I haven't seen the occupational hypnotherapist yet.

My team leader uses a non-standard Red Swingline Stapler. Says it doesn't bind up like the Stanley Bostitch. I shit you not.

But is it really good to be a gangsta?

I'll get back to you...

Family Nuggets

1. My Uncle D.S. had a lover who left him a ton of money. He divorced my aunt (Mom's side) and left her with almost nothing.

2. My Uncle K.F. (Mom's side) was a grifter who died in his sleep from insulin and sleeping pills. He, his wife, and kids (gorgious, I just met them a couple of years ago) had to leave Colorado after just opening all of their Christmas gifts one year.

3. My Aunt C.B.'s husband's Mom shot her pregnant daughter and herself to death in the house across from our cottage (back in the 1950s I think).

4. I still have the most unbelievable crushes on my two cousins D.B. and J.B.. Shame shame shame!

Things I Learned in Green Bay

1. You can taste insincerity in a hospital, which is why hospital food sometimes tastes really bad
1. Bring extra underwear because you'll probably stay longer than you planned
2. Don't sniff your underwear on the third wearing -- trust me, it stinks
2. Eat something before you get there because although the meal you get when you arrive will be delicious, you will wait
2. Rock Star 16-ouncers don't count as food
2. My name is Bendillonmark
6. My nephews are named after me
3. Massively Multi-player Role-playing Games are really pretty cool
4. You can go to bed when the sun rises, too
Z. You can survive an almost unlimited number of falls off of a conversational change of subject cliff as long as you pay attention
5. TV wrestling is a vahgeen HOOOOT!!
8. 2 year olds have special laser eye beams that bore holes in your heart and fill them with love
6. Guacamole turns baby poop brown if left out for a couple of hours
7. Baby poop brown guacamole tastes good
5. Zen loves to ride in the back of a gray Mustang convertible going down the freeway at 90 miles an hour on a 100 degree afternoon
0. If you find yourself reclining with Zen in the aforementioned convertible, don't wear a hat or sunglasses, and don't open your mouth or you'll lose a filling
8. Earwigs are nasty
Q. You will always pack things you don't need, even if you don't pack
1. You will always forget to pack that thing you need, even if you hire a vacation planner
4. Neither "Q." nor "1." above have any bearing on the quality of your experience, so chill
7. The "shaving cream in the hand, tickle the nose" trick really does work quite well
04. Newer Bun coffee makers only start brewing after you close the water lid thingy
9. Being randomly weird with your sister and nephews is startlingly cathartic
?. If you back up down a street, people will point at you
3. Ridiculing people who just pointed at you is fun, but only if you're with people
10. Wisdom plays a wicked game of hide-and-seek, but you can end up rolling on the floor laughing if you play along

Family Rocks

Y'all should know that one's own family really rocks. Yup, there's no better way to regain the sense of what you're all about than to spend a few days with your blood.

Just take Baird to Hastings (just before the viaduct) and your head will swing back on straight.

Thank you, big Sis, for putting up with me. Ben and Dillon, I wish you both a lifetime of unharsh. Baby Abby -- don't get P.O.'d!

Toe Truck Teken

Vahgeen Azzle says: When moving a big, overstuffed lounge chair, it is a good idea to wear shoes. Why? Because it is possible to pull the big, heavy chair backwards over your foot, but not quite make it over the foot. Then the toenail on your big toe gets ripped nearly off and you will experience discomfort. When I say "discomfort", what I mean is eye-watering, can't-breathe, dog whistle scream, multiple-expletive PAIIIIIIINNNNN!!!! Oh, then there's the blood. Anyways, when moving heavy things, remember: shoes good, bare feet bad.

Teken: Vahgeen Azzle

So, I just spent the last three days and nights in Green Bay with Mom in intensive care. She was nearly dead. But some long hours, and a game or five of "inflated non-latex glove volleyball" later, she's getting better. Whew.

Anyway, so I get back to Wausau and go visit my kids, whom I missed and hugged furiously. Played together from about 6pm to about 9 or so. Later, I get a call from X asking where I am. "Home", I say, 'cause that's where I was. See, it seems that she didn't get home until around ten last night, so the kids were alone for about an hour. At 9 and 12 years old, they're home most days alone while X is at work.

But noooooooooo, after their hour alone I get a call from what sounds like a drunk, angry hornet. When I tried to reason with her and find out why she was swearing at me, I got a very concise answer: "Bucuzzz yer a Vahgeen Azzle!". Despite the slur and the abruptly ensuing hang-up, I got the translation.

Well there you have it. I bend over backwards to make our divorce as friendly and comfortable for the kids and her as possible. In fact, I'm going bankrupt doing it. She's living in a huge condo with cathedral ceilings and art prints while I'm -- well, not. But I'm a vahgeen azzle.

Super.

Son of a Ditch!

26 years driving in Wisconsin winters. 26 years of not really even a close call. But I ended up in the ditch last tuesday. Yup. The car upshifted at 35 mph, the back end of the hoopty slides right. The sphincter tightens. I cross the center line and slide into some farmer's field, facing the highway.

You know, I wonder why the road crew didn't salt or sand on a day when the temperatures were predicted to drop way below freezing. For days. I'm glad hurricanes don't happen here.

A nice family stopped to make sure all was well. Thanks guys! But I called 911 to get a trooper out there. The 12 year old cop arrived and asked me my wrecker preference. I said whatever gets here quick. We went back to our cars.

KNOCK KNOCK. Sphincter tightens again. It was the farm owner. I roll down my window and the man says "I wouldn't mind if you tried to drive out". Seeing the 60 degree angle I'd have to traverse, I shake my head. But he doesn't give up. "I'll push, just give 'er the gas!" Fine. Won't work, but this guy's nice.

After a couple of abortive attemtps, the car goes up and on the highway. WTF?!

All I can do is wave at the guy and yell "THANKS!!!". He gives me a wave and walks back to the barn.

I pull up behind the cop car, get out, and run up to his passenger window. "I got out", I say. The cop looks at me, cranks his neck around to look at the ditch, and looks at me. "Oh!" He apparently thought I was backup pulling up behind him (I have a Grand Marquis just like him). He never saw me get out. "I think we're all set", I say, and get back in my car and return home at 5 mph.

Crap! I know I got out and all, and I owe the farmer (Fleet Farm gift certificate on it's way), but I hated it. Never want to do it again. It sucks.

Get Out of My HEAD!

Did you know that people are getting in trouble for blogging about work? Fired, actually. Yup, corporate stooges learn that employees have blogs, and then they troll to see if they say anything even remotely related to the company. Huh. Wow. That's got to be scary... for those who actually blog about work... yeah.

So anyway, there's this... thing... I know, NOT FROM WORK, who has been getting in my head. Actually two... things...

These mythical things do stuff like copying a person of authority in on petty issues using what I like to call Imail (not at all talking about email here, you silly!). Anyways, these things actually think they're affecting the person of authority to think negatively of me, when, in reality the person of authority rolls his/her eyes and gets pissed. The things actually even conspire to tell the person-of-authority's person of authority (again, not at work at all) about these issues. Now, the upper person of authority is buying the crap. Not a shock, actually. So now it's a "smear Teken" cabal.

The point is that I've actually let the things into my head. It's toxic. It's not me. I know better. But I can't stand the things. They burn.

In closing, remember: people are actually getting fired for blogging about work. Just say no.

Hyper Teken

I knew today was going to be interesting when I awoke at 5am thinking "Hmmm... gotta do the wash, have coffee, make breakfast, go shopping, do more wash -- yeah, more wash -- think I need another hamper...". And on and on and on.

By about 11am I had most of the list accomplished and suddenly realized that this was not me. Well, of course it was -- and is -- me, but... well you know what I mean.

I had 97 cleaning her room, folding her clothes, helping with the chores. AND I actually did all the dishes. Plenty of cuddle time, too. By 1pm we went to pick up 94 (she had been babysitting), and we were both famished. We ate at mickey d's and went shopping. Spent the last part of the afternoon putting together 97's new dresser. Had slow cooker chicken stew for supper (yummy!).

Methinks 97's a little over tired right now, or perhaps PMSy -- oh wait, she's only 8. Sheeesh!

The movie Twitches was on tonight (secretly 97 and I watched it last night), and the girls gave it rave reviews. 94's comment was "Movies like that make you want to have powers.". Why? It's a Disney Channel movie about twins who never met each other and it turns out they're from a different dimension and have magic and like it's up to them to save the world from "The Darkness", and they like have SUPER magic if the hold hands, and they are totally in their own dramas but they learn how to make room for each other and they meet their mother who they thought was dead, but they had been drawing pictures of her and the evil guy and Coventry, and... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sorry, that was a moment of insanity brought to you by Daddy. "Daddy -- always trying to be in tune with my children." That's my motto. But I know that it's only a matter of precious months before I become the Lamest Person On Earth. For now, I'm satisfied with the pure glee the kids get when I buy them Ice Breakers Liquid Ice, or new Lemon Zest Colgate toothpaste. I love to bring them joy. Unfortunately, soon that will only be possible when I pay for everything and stay the heck away from them and their friends. I know because I was once their age. It's inevitable. "It's nature's way." It sucks.

On that note, good night.

River in Egypt

Da Nile (denial) ain't just a river in Egypt, I hear.

I've been so busy deep in my own shizzit I haven't updated for months. I've had several of my readers wondering why.

Well, the X developed a brain tumor and is still recovering. This put the kibash on her marriage, which means no extra income for moi, even though my monthly expenses have increased since my move to Wausau. I'm not dealing. No, not much at all.

Credit card is getting higher. Living pretty much hand to mouth on borrowed time -- and money.

Really pissed about how I'm being treated at work, so I'm seeking Wausau alternatives. That would be huge because I could then tap into my 401K to pay off the card. Plus I'd be working closer to home.

Good news? Plenty of it. Girls are great and healthy. I've spent a week at the new medical complex I helped (in an information systems way) bring together, and have made really positive contributions. Spending the day there tomorrow, too. Awesome stuff!

Am bowling on a league (don't laugh it's really fun), and am improving week to week. I think I may prefer bowling to golf. It's also cheaper.

Can't promise the frequency of future updates, because that seems to lead to long lapses.

I love you all, and hope you'll keep reading and posting.

-Teken

Did the Lake

OH! By the way, when we swam at Sunny Vale on Sunday, 94, 97, and I all crossed the lake and played on the other side. For three hours. We were very well sun screened though, so no burns! Wow, how great to float, relax, splash, and just play with the girls!

Post-o-riffic

• Way to go shuttle crew! Wish you well on the last space walk.
• Most of my coworkers suck festering wounds.
• Apple is selling a multi-button mouse. Wooo.
• A bunch of Americans were killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq today.
• Those Air France passengers all survived yesterday. Thank God.
• Sam's Club is offering a 1GB flash drive for real cheap. 'Bout time.
• I haven't seen a significant thunderstorm this year. CRAP!
• Brewers lost yesterday in an extra innings, bases loaded WALK.
  Keep on sucking, brew crew.

Never Posting Again

In order to get myself to post here more, I'm declaring that I'll never post again. Never, never, never!!

There, that should do it!