Promise, Not Threat

Girls (yes, you, 94 and 97!), you're room is a mess. I'm not cleaning it. I'll help with whatever you want, but I'm not going to do it for you.

If it doesn't get done this weekend I will begin describing the exact content of the mess here on Macho Poodle. Oh yes I will.

Much love,
-Dad

So far all my first round picks in NCAA basketball won! Hope the streak continues.

This weekend, the girls and I will go kitty shopping. That is, unless we get the 30 feet of snow they're predicting, in which case we'll cruise the net together at the various shelters. I have my heart set on a black male kitty. His name will be Brett. He will be my squishy.

Two words for you: Prozac rules.

Ordered NFS Underground from eBay yesterday. $10 including shipping. I've got the demo version and it rules. Can't wait to get it.

I can't watch Alias anymore. It's too stupid. Sorry Jennifer, but your breasts just aren't worth it. Must be the Prozac.

Breaking news: Men are different from Women! Know why? It's the Y chromosome.

I need wine.

Bring it

Sorry to preach to you all, but this is a sad day.

A blog has died today because of some wrech. Of course I won't mention the blog's owner because we're all just one step from making the horrifying decision to remove our blogs.

Horrifying? You fucking bet! What a loss. Whomever you are, you should be locked up. This is as much an assault as hitting someone from behind with a sucker punch. You're an insecure, over-compensating, pox on humanity.

Should ANYONE decide to invade my life in this way, I will use my superpowers as an influential information systems geek to ruin you. I will spare no money or time.

Be warned.

Stupid Office Tricks

What compells certain individuals to CUT THEIR FINGERNAILS at work?! With their office doors open! Maybe I'm just weird that way, but what other personal hygiene do you perform in your office with the door open? Hmmm... none I can think of.

-Snip-

-SNIP-

- S N I P -

I mean, do they pee in a corner? Where does the nail shrapnel land? Hell, why not do the tonails while you're at it! Then you can give yourself a sponge bath and brush your teeth in there; we'd all love to be subjected to that!!

Bo Bice will win American Idol.

Illinois will win the NCAA basketball championship.

Gunslingers

Brett Favre will be back for at least another season! Woooooooooooot!
This weather is pissing me off. 3 inches of snow Monday, and another inch or so today. I am so sick of clearing snow off my car and doing the penguin walk I could just poop. I've got one word for you:

SPRING

What is it with shooting judges lately? Sheeesh, that's really poor aim; they're missing the lawyers.

Memorial

Tonight I said farewell to a best friend. She was a confidant, a teacher, and an inspiration. Her contributions to my life were immeasurable. My love of her transcends our time together. The world has lost a wonderful creation, but God has gained a gentle, selfless soul.

I'll never forget you climbing up and rubbing my chin. I'll always remember how, even though you were 7 years old, you acted like a kitten. The quiet magic you exuded touched me in a dead place in my heart. I can't wait to see you again, if I am so blessed, in heaven.

I will always love you Minerva.

Painted Daddy

Girls. Makeup. Man. A deadly combination.

I was gang-painted by my children tonight. My God it's aweful. Of course, because it's aweful the girls love it.

I just sat there taking it.

I'm either the world's biggest wimp, or a Saint. Only God knows.

(wimper)

Less of Me

Saw the doc today. Lost 14 pounds in 5 weeks. She was impressed. I was relieved.

BP still too high, adding another med. Great. Could swell my legs up and make me not poop. Super.

Just in case you want to follow along, here's my diet:

BREAKFAST - Fruit and Oatmeal
LUNCH - Maybe some more fruit and oatmeal, maybe a Subway 6-inch sub
SUPPER - Grilled chicken breast and veggies, adult beverage(s)

Pretty disciplined, I know, but this is my losing weight phase, I can afford more calories once I'm at my goal.

MY EYEEEES!!!

For the last four months I've been trying to grow my hair out. Saturday morning I got fed up with the hassle, so I shaved it down to 3/8ths of an inch. Nirvana. I have attained the 7th shakra of follicular enlightenment. Wow. Yeah.

However, we had just gotten done watching Spongebob the Movie, so the girls kept reinacting a scene from the movie where the king takes off his crown and those around him start writhing in pain from the great glare of his baldness. "BALD, BALD!!!! OH MY EYEEEEEEEES!!!", and the like. They can be so cute... I think.

Sunday afternoon it was 45 degrees out and sunny, so the girls and I took a walk. What's that? It involves going outside and ambulating by foot for about 20 minutes. 45 sunny degrees felt like the middle of summer! And the walk, in addition to being healthy, was invigorating. Did you know that there are other buildings in Marshfield besides my apartment and my office building? It's true. They're all over the freaking place!!

Mr. Healthy here has been pretty good with his diet. Okay, can't stand third person. Anyway, I've been eating more veggies and fruits (cucumbers and clementines are my current favs), and very little red meat or fatty stuff. I'm already starting to see results. Wow, I think I may actually have a jaw. And my energy level is a bit better.

Evil Jelly Beans

Last Thursday I was innocently chewing on a few jelly beans when CRACK!! Felt like I had tried to chew a diamond. "What the hell is in these jelly beans?!", I thought. My three workmates, with whom I was meeting at the time, heard the crack. Turns out the only odd thing in the candy was the back of one of my molars. It had cracked off, exposing the filling and not much else. The filling is sharp.

Thought I could get by with the tooth as is. Didn't hurt, so I thought, "what the heck". Then, on Saturday the gum tissue around the broken molar got curious and started moving over and rubbing on the sharp filling. Ouch!, they said. Of course, my gums had no exit strategy, so they were trapped there, getting cut every time I chewed, yawned, swallowed, or talked.

So, today I decided that drastic measures were called for. I went to the dentist. The dentist scolded the gum tissue, but to no avail. This was going to be painful. Two doses of Novacaine later (injected using one of those kid doctor syringes), there went the dentist, drilling down into my toes. He put on a temporary filling that looks like a piece of chewing gum. "That's only temporary", says the dentist. NO SHIT, ya think?!, I thought. All I said is "uh huh".

"You'll need a root canal and crown on that tooth", gushed the dentist. It's all a friggin' conspiracy. They drill most of your tooth away when they fill it, then 30 years later it breaks and you have to take out a loan to go through hell. Isn't that a Homeland Security violation of some sort?

Feel the Love

Tonight's bedtime ritual:

97: "Love you, Dad!"

94: "Love you, Dad!"

Me: "Love you Emma, Love you Valerie!"

97: "Love you, red pillow!"

94: "What the..."

Me: "She loves her red pillow. I love you too, red pillow!"

94: "Oh, okay, whatever, you pillow people."

Me: "Love you guys, goodnight!"

Fiction would not be that cute.

Rantasia

DISCLAIMER: The following is a mild rant. Prolonged exposure, including conentrating and inhaling vapors may be harmful or fatal.

I spent $500 on a video card. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, PEOPLE!! Now, that alone probably makes me appear to be an impulsive geek, but alot of research went into selecting this thing.

For FIVE HUNDRED FU&$ING DOLLARS, you'd think it could play nice with my other hardware. BUT NOOOOOOOOO! Like some sort of digital prima donna, the card had plopped its fat, spoiled ass down right on my firewire resources. And it won't budge. And I'm getting no help. And I'm pissed. I am very tempted to return this temperamental resource hog, but it produces amazing graphics.

They've got me.

So, I ordered a new firewire card in hopes that it will placate this self-proclaimed master of my PC. If not, back the video card goes.

### END RANT ###

PEEEEEEEKABOOOOOOOOOO!

Alright, fine. I haven't posted in a week. I'm still here. I just had to get something out of my system.

94 turned 11 last week, and her birthday party was yesterday at the local skating place. It was heart-achingly fascinating watching how independent she is. She's so thoughtful and vibrant. She has so many friends. Wow.

97 was alot of fun at the skating place. She loves the camera, and I spent an hour taping the party. OH! And she lost another tooth! Tooth Fairy came through again. Seems a buck isn't what it used to be, though, as I detected a vailed complaint about how the paultry sum must have been because "it was just a small bottom tooth". Hmmm...

Zitboy

Ah, the weekend. Time to relax. Unwind. Time to sprout odd facial deformities. Huh?

I awoke Saturday to twin zits on the corner of my mouth. I'm 41 years old for Christ's sake! I've got my kids calling me "Zitboy" now. Ankle-biting ingrates.

Oh, and this low-fat, high-fiber crap is really a pox on my happiness. Bacon is a tradition on weekend mornings around here, and I had a total of three pieces. Three in two days. Do you know how good a sausage egg and cheese biscuit would taste for breakfast tomorrow? Do you?!

We had Papa Murphy's pizza for supper last night, though. Talk about a heavenly indulgence! It was magic. The smell alone, however, raised my triglys by 100 or so points (or whatever measurement system they use).

Good weekend altogether, though. 94 is camping at the school forest Monday through Wednesday, and she is just jazzed. We drove by the camp so she could see the buildings. We played "school forest trivia" all the way home.

Saturday, 97 went to a birthday party, so I had cherised 94/Dad time!! We malled and got 94 a disposable camera for camping. It was fun.

Today's mass was lead by two missionaries. It was quite good. The choir was awesome. First time I've heard them and I've been attending for two years. Got me thinking about joining, but that would mean choiring instead of being with the kids. Hmmm... What do you think?

Motor Excess

If the world were just, I would be skinny. Of course, I've always thought that, but now I have scientific proof.

I've been a percussionist since 6th grade. I did 4 years in drum corps, played professionally in two orchestras, and attended a prestigious conservatory. This means that, in my daily life, I am constantly, incessantly drumming. On my legs, steering wheel, keyboard tray, whatever. I even keep drum sticks at work. It annoys the hell out of just about anybody with whom I become comfortable enough to do it (everyone). Except other drummers, who seem compelled to join in, and we jam.

Also, my legs quite often piston up and down on their own, unbeknownst to me until someone shoots ocular arrows at me or whacks my leg, or both. Hey, gotta keep the calf muscles toned for the bass drum and hi-hat!

Finally, I'm always chewing gum. My temporal/mandibular muscles are huge.

Now, according to the Post article I should be a lean, mean, annoying machine. So why am I fat, fat, fat? I mean, how could a few double quarter pounders with cheese, a six pack, and a completely sedentary job POSSIBLY compete with my superior fidgeticity? It's wrong, I tell you!

There's gotta be someone I can sue.

Worms for Bear

Very early yesterday morning, after a sleepless night, I had a very odd-but-vivid dream. Executive summary:

1) Installing big scanner at Weston clinic
2) Nowhere to put it
3) Amish patients in waiting rooms, amongst continued construction
4) Huge safety problems
5) Frustration reporting number 4 above
6) Scene transition to Lake Winnebago
7) Altercation with bear during another scene transition to a mall
8) Bear and I communicate
9) Bear wants worms
10) I get bear worms and then I wake up

Welcome to my subconscious mind. What would

The Well Seasoned Cow

The last couple of evenings have been joyously vegitative. Or perhaps carnivorous, since I've been feasting on beef tenderloins for supper with a smooth Merlot.

Yes, Festival had a sale on near-expiration tenderloins again. I couldn't resist. Nature's Seasonings is the best stuff. For those of you who don't know, Nature's Seasons is a blend of salt, pepper, and garlic predominantly. Steak made with a generous sprinkling of the stuff (on both sides) tastes like, well, home.

What did I learn on the Apprentice yesterday? That goofy, guitar-playing hippies get fired early. I also learned that I watch the show to see these addle-brained half-wits stumble and bumble along. I find the back-biting rather intriguing too, in a "driving slowly by the accident scene" kind of way.

Sleep With One Eye Open

I've had high blood pressure since I was 17. No one is sure why. I was fit and healthy otherwise, go figure.

Today was my annual physical. We had a long talk about my risk factors, lab tests, and all that other mumbo-jumbo. I find it acutely humbling to sit in a 4x6' exam room talking about these things, waiting for the obligatory lecture about diet and exercise.

However, there's reason for joy and celebration: Today was my first prostate check! WOOOOOOOOOT!! What a freakin' slice of juicy fresh heaven that was! If I didn't know better, I'd expect to meet my doctor going back to prison after work release. Well, I'm her bee-ahtch now, oh boy!

Doc changed my hypertension meds again because my pressure was 150/100. Given my erratic and inexplicable history, it's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, though.

I also got religion about my lipids. I won't bore you, but Doc says when they were doing my blood work they noticed fat cells shaped suspiciously like a certain set of "Golden Arches" floating by. Not good. I shall learn to like oat meal and Cheerios. Alot. And I shall shun tastiness. Who needs comfort foods anyway? Yeah, I'll be like a one-man parade of prandial purity (sorry, didn't mean to spit).

Who am I kidding?

Bumsen!

I was plagued with peeves during my 500 foot trip back home. Now, that's pretty incredible for such a wee walk.

Peeve 1: Snow removal. The apartment parking lot and sidewalk are variably covered with snow and ice. This makes walking more of an adventure, sure, but I don't EVER feel particularly adventurous at night after a long day of surfing the net work. EVER.

Peeve 2: Note for FEDEX. I carefully posted a note for the FedEx guy to deliver a package I was expecting to my neighbor. It was grammatically correct and contained no profanity (unless you skipped every other letter, hee hee). When I went in the front door it was gone. I almost posted another note saying "Leave my notes the FUCK alone!", but I'm a coward. Grrrrr.

Peeve 3: State tax refund. It came in the form of a paper check when I specified direct deposit. DAMMIT! I hate paper! I'm a paperphobe, or is that a celluphobe or wastingpreciousnaturalresourcesandtotallywastingmytimeophobe?

Peeve 4: Overturned bathroom garbage. Given the look on his face and his cowering, I'm sure Howdy would have undone it if he could have. I know all sorts of interesting, crackly, smelly things go in the bathroom garbage, but why must he be such a snoop? What if I filled the garbage bin with water one morning before I left? I'll tell you what: I'd be mopping up a floor full of water when I got home.

I know these are small things, but stack them all on top of one another over 5 minutes after work, and I feel the need for a fistfull of prozac and a water glass full of vodka. Instead, I worked some more on my computer, which isn't AT ALL frustrating, expecially when I spontaneously loose sound and video. And what's really not infuriating is when I try to record a show and my clock is set for the wrong time zone.

Wash, Record, Complete

Happy birthday to me!

The girls let me sleep late. Really late. We're talking 10 o'clock here. They get all my money when I go.

After a quick trip to the mall, we went and got the car washed. I introduced 94 to my miniDV and she used it to call the play-by-play. Multi-colored foam, big blow dryers, awesome! Conclusion: the girls fight too much. The tape reveals way too much bickering. And I play right into it, refereeing and getting generally iritated.

"Hi, I'm 97, and I'm beautiful!"

"No you're not"

Followed by hair pulling, kicking, and words like poop-brain and stupid-dummy.

Great.

I'm trying to work on it by turning around in the car and yelling "what's the problem, knock it off". Wow, that's great stuff.

The girls are in love with Dundee. Both at the same time. Who's Dundee? There you go with the questions again! Dundee is a Beanie Baby dog. He's now my desktop wallpaper. You see, he was at the Tea Shop, but today he was gone. Of course the internet to the rescue. Now the girls want to chip in to order one. Or two.

Bed Time Ritual

For years, 97's bed time ritual has been to say good night with this:

"Love you, won't let the bed bugs bite, promise, cross my heart won't break that promise promise promise."

I can't believe I haven't written this down until now. It is the cutest thing. Of course, when it comes out it sounds more like:

"loveyouwontletthebedbugsbitpromisecrossmyheartwontbreakthatpromisepromisepromise"

This is usually followed by a rousing version of:

Me: Good Night
94: Sleep Tight
97: Dream of bed bugs tonight

Fine, that last part is not original, I know, because I think it comes from Lion King 1 1/2.